Due to popular demand, we now bring you the second installment in our ongoing series: What Your Favorite Fighter Says About You. This is where we do a little psychological profiling of MMA fans in an attempt to discover exactly what type of bloodsport-loving jerk you really are. If you missed part one, do yourself a favor and check it out here.
You grew up on the wrong side of the tracks. The town that side of the tracks was located in was really not that bad, but still, you’re from the worst part of it and people need to recognize that. You most likely finished high school or at least eventually got around to getting your GED, or maybe you got confused and did both. One thing you are not confused about, however, is your personal policy of taking no shit off nobody. This has led to numerous unnecessary fistfights, loud arguments with family members on various front lawns, and a lifetime ban from at least one bowling alley. You don’t have a girlfriend, because bitches are always expecting you to go and do stuff with them, so forget that noise. You probably work in a service industry establishment, but the goal of both you and your manager is to keep you from interacting with the customers at all costs, which is why you now work “in the back.” You smoke a lot of weed, even though you have to take a drug test every six months. You just get some pee from your ten-year-old cousin and outsmart those fuckers. You absolutely love jam bands.
Your favorite fight: Diaz vs. Takanori Gomi
Let’s get one thing straight — you don’t think the government has any right to blow our hard-earned tax dollars giving health coverage to illegal immigrants and the children of deadbeats, and even if the American health-care system needed to be reformed — and it doesn’t, but if it did, hypothetically speaking — Barack Hussein Fidel Obama is definitely not the man to make it happen. You’re somewhere between 30 and 50 years old and you’re on at least one maintenance medication, maybe for heartburn, maybe for back pain. You used to be quite the athlete back in high school; these days you like to show the youngsters on the company softball team that an old man can still slide into home if necessary, though the last time you did that you pulled your groin so hard you had to sit out the rest of the season. You have at least two beautiful children, and at least one horrible fucking bitch of an ex-wife.
Your favorite fight: Couture vs. Gabriel Gonzaga
You don’t believe in organized religion, but you do believe in some vague idealogy that you identify as “spirituality.” Basically that means you’ve gained a shallow understanding of a bunch of different religions and philosophies, but they all kind of blend together in your mind now and you think that’s awesome. You are a man of few words, or possibly a woman of many, many words, which you say in an annoying cadence that you’ve practiced in front of the mirror. You may work for an outdoor outfitter of some kind, probably REI, or else you’ve held a series of different jobs with various non-profit groups. You believe in the power of crystals. You’re pretty sure that “The Secret” is the most important book of the last 500 years. You have no problem picking up an acoustic guitar and strumming it at a party, though you don’t actually know how to play.
Your favorite fight: Sanchez vs. Kenny Florian
You believe in three things: God, guns, and the USofA, not necessarily in that order. You still live in the town where you grew up and you love to get together with other former high school classmates of yours (also still living in town) and talk about how the kids coming up nowadays are all skinny jeans-wearing queers. Hard work is practically a second religion to you, and you’ve yet to encounter a social problem that couldn’t be solved by people rolling up their sleeves and/or pulling themselves up by their bootstraps. Ball-busting isn’t just a hobby of yours, it’s how you show affection to the people in your life since you are too emotionally crippled to tell them how you feel. The Bible is very important to you, and you’re one of the few people you know who has read the whole thing, even the loopy stuff about not judging people and turning the other cheek, which is all just metaphors for other stuff anyway. You drive an American truck, and you got a satellite dish with DVR just so you never have to miss Glenn Beck. You literally carry your NRA card around with you in your wallet, just in case.
Your favorite fight: Hughes vs. Georges St. Pierre I, also known as the one that really counted.
Well, you haven’t been watching this season of TUF — otherwise, your favorite fighter would be Rashad Evans. Nevertheless, you’re a dude from California or the South who enjoys rap music and fast cars. The car you actually drive is a broken-down wreck, and you don’t have insurance, but you plan on buying an Audi R8 someday, probably right after you start your record label. The quality you admire most in people is realness. You don’t like stuck-up snobs, cocky loudmouths, or foul bitches. You’re sad that Rampage might be retiring from MMA, but you can’t hate a man for chasing paper. In grade school, you were diagnosed as having a learning disability; it’s not that you can’t read, exactly, it’s just that anything worth learning can be found outside of books, you feel me? You may also be one of the many Asian chicks that Rampage has run through over the years, in which case you’re a fun-loving girl who loves to dance, particularly on top of cars at import shows.
Your favorite fight: Jackson vs. Wanderlei Silva III
You are the kind of person who, when asked to describe yourself, claims to “love life.” You’re enthusiastic, outgoing, and you legitimately enjoy dancing rather than simply using it as a stepping-stone to sex. You like movies, but only the ones where there isn’t too much talking. You’ve had at least one bartending job in your career history. You have a very large social circle that includes a ton of friends, but none of them would know when your birthday is if they didn’t see it on Facebook. The only person you’d really say that you dislike is “Rampage” Jackson, but really, no, you don’t hate him. You just feel sad for the guy. You miss the days of soccer kicks and face stomps in MMA, and you wonder if the time will ever come when hearing “Sandstorm” doesn’t cause a nostalgic pain in your chest. You’re still good friends with all of your ex-girlfriends – even the ones who dumped you for cheating on them – and you don’t think that’s weird at all.
Your favorite fight: (tie) Silva vs. Jackson I & II
You’re one of the three people in the above photo. Seriously. There would be no other explanation for why, in the year 2009, this marble-mouthed egomaniac is your favorite fighter. Next thing you’re gonna tell us is that Heidi Montag is your favorite singer and Jon Gosselin is your favorite father. Give us a freakin’ break here.
Your favorite fight: Ortiz vs. Ken Shamrock I
First of all, the reason people dislike you is not because you’re an insufferable prick. You know this. It’s because you’re a goddamn winner. Who are we kidding — life is a contest. The person with the biggest house, the most successful businesses, and the most conventionally attractive wife is the person who’s on top, always, no matter what other (jealous) people say about him. This is part of what attracts you to MMA. In your eyes, it is a Darwinian struggle for survival. Just like in college when you bagged way more quality tail than any of the brothers in your fraternity, in life you only go for the best – and Shamrock is the best ever. Sure, he’s getting older and slowing down a little now. So are you, if we’re being honest. But that doesn’t mean you aren’t still smarter, richer, and in possession of straighter, more perfect teeth than all these ignorant young bucks eyeing your corner office every day. You most likely live in a gated community and only read books from the self-help regions of the bookstore. The one exception is Conrad Hilton’s “Be My Guest.” You have kids, and your idea of parenting is routinely explaining to them that they are better than other kids. You once talked your wife into going to a swingers party. It was okay. Every chick there wanted you so bad but had to try and act cool about it. You never tire of quoting the movie “Wall Street.”
Your favorite fight: Shamrock vs. Tito Ortiz
One night while cruising YouTube for 52 Blocks instructional videos, you came across Kimbo’s infamous backyard fights, and your world has never been the same. I mean, this dude could knock out a full-grown elephant and had an iron chin under his beard. You didn’t really start following MMA until Kimbo joined up with EliteXC a couple years back, but the sport’s definitely grown on you, even if you still prefer when the fighters just throw hands. Grappling’s aight, but it’s basically for people who are too pussy to stand and bang. You’re gainfully employed, either as a customer service specialist in a cell phone store or as a restaurant manager. You have a great appreciation for all the beautiful women who spread joy throughout the world in the form of pornography. Kimbo’s "enemy/inner me" speech on TUF inspired you to quit smoking weed; you lasted four days. You get pissed off when someone mentions Sean Gannon because, let’s face it, that fight was a fiasco and the rules clearly weren’t established beforehand. You get pissed off when someone mentions Seth Petruzelli because fuck that pink-haired fairy.
Your favorite fight: Kimbo vs. Big Mac
You’re a young student who’s interested in fashion and music. Your parents are very strict, and they would disown you if they found out that you sometimes smoke cigarettes with your friends and that you regularly sell your underwear to Mr. Nishimura at the video store. You have great respect for the UFC, but you still feel that Japanese MMA is the strongest. You have a recurring nightmare in which this happens. You think Aoki’s colorful tights are sexy, and you hope to meet him one day and spend time with him at a Love Hotel. You’d also like to meet a real African-American, just so you can tell your classmates that you did. Your name is Dave, and you live in Wisconsin.
Your favorite fight: Aoki vs. Katsuhiko Nagata (Aokiplata! Yatta!)