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Why Can’t War Machine Just Get a Motherf*ckin Slurpee? [VIDEO]


(Warning: Language is waaaaaay NSFWProps: YouTube.com/AlphaMaleShit)

Along with his recently launched Alpha Male Shit clothing line, War Machine‘s media empire now includes a YouTube channel where he rants in his car about strangers who he would have beaten up if he wasn’t on probation. War’s latest video blog is above, and it officially places him in the pantheon of batshit car-rant Hall of Famers like Dan Quinn and Nick Diaz.

Here’s the basic premise: WM goes to a 7-11 to satisfy a Slurpee craving, and the clerk on duty immediately asks him to lower his hoodie, since that’s become a rule in places that are often robbed. Not a huge fan of rules in general, War Machine refuses, and literally uses the phrase “I thought this was America.” Another 7-11 worker threatens to call the cops, so War Machine dumps his Slurpee on the floor in protest — you know, like a child would — then leaves. Re-telling the story fills War Machine with the kind of barely contained rage that Werner Herzog should be narrating over.

War Machine gets himself scarily amped up to obtain a Slurpee at a different 7-11 location. He leaves his phone in the car, still recording (“I don’t want evidence in case I freak out”), and then disappears for an agonizingly long two minutes. Anything could be happening in those two minutes. When he returns with his Slurpee, it’s a relief for everyone. The guy who sold War Machine that Slurpee didn’t know how close he came.

People seem to fuck with War Machine more than the average human being, and that’s undeniable. I’ve gone to dozens of gyms and convenience stores, and have never gotten hassled by anybody, ever. But there’s something about this guy that creates a revulsion in others. They have to challenge him, or give him negative feedback. He’s like a walking shit-stain, and I don’t mean that as a judgment of his character — I’m sure War Machine is a super nice guy once you get to know him — but he seems to elicit the same reaction of general disgust from the people he encounters. It’s sad, really. What do you think it feels like to be that hated? To cause suffering no matter where you go? To have a spit-bag placed over your head because the cops are afraid of the vile, contagious filth that might come out of your mouth? To be treated like a disease in human form?

Poor War Machine, you guys.

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