(You don’t dress for the job you have, you dress for the job you want: manager of an inner-city Boot Barn location. Everybody has a dream.)
The final episode of "The Ultimate Fighter" season ten, is just a few hours away, and the boys at Spike TV seem like they may be worried that there isn’t enough at stake to make you tune in for the full two-hour show. To remedy that, they sent out a teaser email promising that Kimbo Slice‘s future will be "revealed" tonight, prompting us to wonder whether this is finally going to be the TUF episode where the guys encounter a gypsy woman on the road during the drive home from the gym and she tells everyone’s fortune by looking at globules of their spit on the pavement (bad news for Wes Sims, he drowns in the Bering Sea this March).
To further pique our interest on the matter, Ferg himself had this to say:
"Now it’s time for the next step in my career. Everyone will see what that is tonight on Spike. …It’s gonna be good. Watch the show tonight. You’ll see what’s next for me. All I can say is that somebody’s getting knocked out. …Everybody knows what my stronghold is. People will be able to see me and judge for themselves."
The weird part is, we pretty much already know what Kimbo’s immediate future holds; he’s fighting Houston Alexander. So what’s all this next step stuff? Unless something else happens in tonight’s episode to guide Slice’s life down a dramatically different path. Something totally insane…
Option #1: As we know, Scott Junk is dealing with some eye issues in this episode, and the doctors seem to think his fighting days may be over. That is, until Kimbo takes a look. Though he has no formal ophthalmology training, Kimbo feels inexplicably drawn to the problem. Junk is hesitant to let him have a look, so Kimbo knocks him unconscious (his "stronghold," don’t forget) and performs surgery with a pair of nail clippers. Once he wakes up, Junk’s vision is better than ever.
Option #2: While pondering his life and the effect that show has had on him, Kimbo gets around to putting some of his enemy/innerme thoughts on paper, but doesn’t think much of it. Later Darril Schoonover finds it laying around and bursts into tears after reading it. Without Kimbo’s knowledge, he submits it to the American Poetry Review, which later hails Slice as "this century’s Walt Whitman." When Kimbo finds out what Schoonover has done, he knocks him out.
Option #3: As one final, misguided attempt at a prank, "Rampage" Jackson plants a bomb in Rashad Evans‘ rental car. Evans learns of it when he overhears Tiki Ghosn giggling like a twelve-year-old girl, and he’s about to call the bomb squad to diffuse it before Kimbo arrives to talk him out of it, citing Jackson’s prior legal troubles and general inability to comprehend the notion of consequences brought about by his own actions. Instead, Kimbo attempts to diffuse the bomb himself, but it goes off and takes his left hand with it. Angry and despondent, he uses the right hand to knock Tiki out. Because screw that guy.
Okay, so chances are none of these are going to pan out tonight, sad as that is, but if you’ve got any better ideas we’d love to hear ‘em.