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Wild Speculation Time: Kimbo Slice’s “Next Step”


(You don’t dress for the job you have, you dress for the job you want: manager of an inner-city Boot Barn location. Everybody has a dream.)

The final episode of "The Ultimate Fighter" season ten, is just a few hours away, and the boys at Spike TV seem like they may be worried that there isn’t enough at stake to make you tune in for the full two-hour show.  To remedy that, they sent out a teaser email promising that Kimbo Slice‘s future will be "revealed" tonight, prompting us to wonder whether this is finally going to be the TUF episode where the guys encounter a gypsy woman on the road during the drive home from the gym and she tells everyone’s fortune by looking at globules of their spit on the pavement (bad news for Wes Sims, he drowns in the Bering Sea this March). 

To further pique our interest on the matter, Ferg himself had this to say:

"Now it’s time for the next step in my career. Everyone will see what that is tonight on Spike. …It’s gonna be good.  Watch the show tonight. You’ll see what’s next for me. All I can say is that somebody’s getting knocked out. …Everybody knows what my stronghold is.  People will be able to see me and judge for themselves."

The weird part is, we pretty much already know what Kimbo’s immediate future holds; he’s fighting Houston Alexander.  So what’s all this next step stuff?  Unless something else happens in tonight’s episode to guide Slice’s life down a dramatically different path.  Something totally insane… 


Option #1: As we know, Scott Junk is dealing with some eye issues in this episode, and the doctors seem to think his fighting days may be over.  That is, until Kimbo takes a look.  Though he has no formal ophthalmology training, Kimbo feels inexplicably drawn to the problem.  Junk is hesitant to let him have a look, so Kimbo knocks him unconscious (his "stronghold," don’t forget) and performs surgery with a pair of nail clippers.  Once he wakes up, Junk’s vision is better than ever.

Option #2: While pondering his life and the effect that show has had on him, Kimbo gets around to putting some of his enemy/innerme thoughts on paper, but doesn’t think much of it.  Later Darril Schoonover finds it laying around and bursts into tears after reading it.  Without Kimbo’s knowledge, he submits it to the American Poetry Review, which later hails Slice as "this century’s Walt Whitman."  When Kimbo finds out what Schoonover has done, he knocks him out.

Option #3: As one final, misguided attempt at a prank, "Rampage" Jackson plants a bomb in Rashad Evans‘ rental car.  Evans learns of it when he overhears Tiki Ghosn giggling like a twelve-year-old girl, and he’s about to call the bomb squad to diffuse it before Kimbo arrives to talk him out of it, citing Jackson’s prior legal troubles and general inability to comprehend the notion of consequences brought about by his own actions.  Instead, Kimbo attempts to diffuse the bomb himself, but it goes off and takes his left hand with it.  Angry and despondent, he uses the right hand to knock Tiki out.  Because screw that guy.

Okay, so chances are none of these are going to pan out tonight, sad as that is, but if you’ve got any better ideas we’d love to hear ‘em.

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ArmFarmer- December 4, 2009 at 10:38 am
@cheekymunky

I've played a lot of sports, combat and otherwise, and i've never had a coach or trainer that I could just say "I don't want to learn ____" and have that be acceptable. They would just be like "Oh really? Well I really don't give two shits what you want, so do what I told you to do". Bas' job was to train kimbo to fight mma fighters, he didn't do it, therefore he didn't do his job and he failed as a trainer. Using "kimbo didn't want to learn" as an excuse is a lame cop out. If I tried that with my coachs it wouldn't fly, and if I continued to be insubordinate they would tell me to get the fuck out of their gym.

I understand a lot of people have Bas balls firmly lodged in their mouths and anything negative said about him isn't going to be taken well, but he didn't do his job. The bottom line is he was in charge of training kimbo for a substantial amount of time and yet kimbo doesn't know any of the most basic fundamentals of grappling.. I'm talking shit you learn in your first day of highschool wrestling basic.. that's fucking unnacceptable.
robthom- December 3, 2009 at 1:16 pm
@ Armfarmer,
I'm not the biggest rutten fan, but I'm not sure I would completely blame him for kimbo since there really wasn't much to be expected from that.

1. Kimbo appears to be basically untrainable,
2. I dont recall rutten being very good at grappling himself, he is dutch afterall.
And 3. He seems to be about as good of a trainer as hackleman. IE: the only champs he's ever trained where pretty much champion material without him.

So no ones really to blame IMO, its just the way it is.


I completely agree with you about paal though. I still haven't been able to really get a grasp on the australian situation.
ReX13- December 3, 2009 at 1:06 pm
Komodo Says:
Wed, 12/02/2009 - 20:19
Kaley Cuoco is smokin' hot. WORD.



I hope you mean, "If you've been smoking crack, Kaley Cuoco is hot."

'Cause that chick is swinging from the ugly tree, hurling warm handfuls of homeliness poop at anyone who comes near, and chittering in a most unattractive fashion. Chick is fugly, you hear me? Wes effing Sims wouldn't bang that chick with Darrill Schoonover's dick and Rampage pushing. Seriously, her family must have fed her with a slingshot. Her mother probably had to be drunk just to breast feed this skank. It looks as if, right before this pic was taken, her face caught on fire and Kimbo put it out with his pimp cane. This is what some men refer to as a "double bagger"--you put two bags over her head in case one breaks, fool. For serious, if i saw something like this dead on the side of the road, i'd find a new way to get to work. Look at that pic: Slice even tilted his hat so as to block her from his peripheral vision.

Still can't believe some of you bastards said Sarah Ponce had a meaty vag. Damn thing was perfect, i tell you.
CheekyMunky- December 3, 2009 at 12:59 pm
ArmFarmer Says:
Thu, 12/03/2009 - 04:20
Wow paal, if I hadn't already seen the episode I would be incredibly pissed. That doesn't, however, change the fact that you are a big fat deuche for attempting to spoil it for everyone.

As for kimbo, he is a dumbass. This was one of the few fights he could have actually won.. I don't think McSweeney is all that good. Kimbo probably would have lost but he at least had a chance because the guy's ground game sucks. I guess none of it matters though sense Mitrione fought anyway, but kimbo came off as a bitch imo. Between that and the fact that kimbo admitted he's only had ONE jiu jitsu practice before coming on the show, I've pretty much lost the respect that I had gained for him. Kinda lost a lot of respect for Bas Rutten as well, he gets a guy he knows has 0 ground game and fails to teach him ground skills.. wtf.. great trainer.

__________________________________________
My reply to the above is this.....

seriously? ArmFarmer? Maybe you should read on how BAS RUTTEN TRIED to teach him things but Kimbo REFUSED to learn it. How is a trainer suppose to TEACH anything when the pupil refuses to learn. You should look up videos on what Bas has to say about all this before you run your mouth about stuff you have no clue about. Look up what he told kimbo what NOT to do during the Seth Pretruzelli fight...DONT RUSH IN...what did kimbo do? RUSHED IN! He told Kimbo he was gonna work on how to get away from heel hooks and such becuase thats what Ken was gonna do on him, and Kimbo said no to Bas beucase he said it would never go to the ground. Ok, im done venting.
ArmFarmer- December 3, 2009 at 7:12 am
Jesus Rex she's not THAT bad.. but that was pretty f'n funny.
Flotsam- December 3, 2009 at 5:54 am
Blasphemer! How dare you say an unkind word about Bas Rutten? May God have mercy on your soul.
ArmFarmer- December 3, 2009 at 4:20 am
Wow paal, if I hadn't already seen the episode I would be incredibly pissed. That doesn't, however, change the fact that you are a big fat deuche for attempting to spoil it for everyone.

As for kimbo, he is a dumbass. This was one of the few fights he could have actually won.. I don't think McSweeney is all that good. Kimbo probably would have lost but he at least had a chance because the guy's ground game sucks. I guess none of it matters though sense Mitrione fought anyway, but kimbo came off as a bitch imo. Between that and the fact that kimbo admitted he's only had ONE jiu jitsu practice before coming on the show, I've pretty much lost the respect that I had gained for him. Kinda lost a lot of respect for Bas Rutten as well, he gets a guy he knows has 0 ground game and fails to teach him ground skills.. wtf.. great trainer.
PaalSunde- December 3, 2009 at 3:28 am
Ive seen the episode... aired earlier in Australia to add more hype for ufc 110 or something. well, what happens is that Kimbo doesn't fight. Matt Mitrione Loses via chocke and Bigbaby KO's Darill "titties" schooblabla. Dana white is a little pissed at Kimbo for not taking the fight, but Kimbo dont wanna take a courtisoneshot or whatever so its all good. enjoy ^^
robthom- December 3, 2009 at 3:25 am
Yeah, yeah, yeah, your fantastic then.


Will you please take Rupert Murdoch and the Bee Gees back though.
AussieJosh- December 3, 2009 at 1:06 am
Its intresting reading all this speculation about what is.......... Caused here in Australia we got to see these two episodes last sunday night! So I already know what happens! :)
submission_via_nutsack_choke- December 2, 2009 at 11:34 pm
Option number #12

Shane Mcmahon walks in and announces he's bought 51% of UFC so he calls the shots. Tonight it will be Kimbo Slice vs Titties and Meathead in a 2 vs 1 handicap match.

Also special Guest ref = BROCKKKKKKKK LESNAR ! (brock wearing bandages around his waist as he has been "ill")

Brock calls it down the middle but then PAUL HEYMAN comes down and instructs Brock and he snaps ( he wasn't even injured ! ) F5 to titties and meathead , Brock leaves the Octagon with Heyman smiling and shouts to Kimbo FINISH IT!

Kimbo lays Tittes on top of Meathead - SHOOTING STAR PRESS for the win!!

Brock enters the ring again with Slice, Slice passes him a bag of money and smiles - Show ends with Slice and Brock posing in ring.

(Unlikely but I would LOL if that actually happened! That's why Shane should stay away from UFC btw. FUCK WWE)



exp- December 2, 2009 at 10:17 pm
Tyler. She can be yours :) I admire her beauty but there are a lot of beautiful women out there. You can have here! She will come with some mileage though
Walrus- December 2, 2009 at 10:00 pm
AHHHHHHHHHH Big Country AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DICK_KICK- December 2, 2009 at 9:53 pm
KIMBO Texas Ranger...
ghostboner- December 2, 2009 at 9:24 pm
Frank, the cane is to exacerbate his pimptasticness. Sabado Gigante, that shit made me laugh. The mental imagery was hilarious, and anytime you say titties twice in a row it is guaranteed hilariousity.
Frank Mur- December 2, 2009 at 8:12 pm
Should have known from the above photo, HE'S WALKING WITH A CANE!
Kimbos Bread- December 2, 2009 at 8:09 pm
Meathead vs Marcus?

Where the fuck did that come from?
Frank Mur- December 2, 2009 at 8:06 pm
Kimbo bitches out! What a fucking PUSSY!
TylerDyrden- December 2, 2009 at 7:59 pm
Kaley Cuoco is not single...simply because she's my girlfriend....cuz I seen her first goddammit and I got dibs!
exp- December 2, 2009 at 7:08 pm
Kaley Cuoco is single too or so it seems. But yes. I have never watched bing bang theory, reason why I didn't know her name. By the way, we are all created equal? I call bullsh*8 on that. Not when some people look like Kaley
robthom- December 2, 2009 at 6:48 pm
I wonder if there's a bald man under every cowboy hat?
Sabado Gigante- December 2, 2009 at 6:41 pm
Option #172: Darkness had already worn its welcome at the Ultimate Fighter house when FergyFerg AKA Kimbo Slice made his move. Assuming everyone was asleep, Kimbo headed outside towards the wall past the swimming pool where moments earlier, longtime friend Lil Homie Tre secretely and strategically stashed a sack of some of the finest RGV cocain. It turns out, Wes Sims sleeps outside near the basketball courts because it feels more like home (or lack thereof), and he saw Kimbo retrieving the fat bag of coke. Wes then approaches Kimbo and asks for some of his goods or else he tells Dana. They end up snorting the living hell out of that baseball sized sack coke to where they stayed up late talking about how awesome the last six weeks have been. Suddenly, desperate for some estrogen, Wes comes up with the brilliant idea of taking some lines off of some titties, so naturally, they head to Darrill's room where he was fast asleep. Alas, Kimbo and Wes get to their destination with mild hard-ons. Kimbo throws the rest of his bag all over Titties's titties. Kimbo then takes a line and licks the areola for the sake of the "numbie." Titties then wakes up and immediatly realizes what the duece was going on. He grabs his George Forman grill that he sleeps with every night, and strikes Kimbo dead on right in his temple knocking him clearly the fudge out! Still blinded by the shadows, Titties flips the lights on only to find a bloodied, du-raggless Kimbo lying on the floor. Wes however, was never seen at the scene. Three months later, Wes made a whopping $23 off of some sort of Ebay transaction involving some urban headgear. The Ebay transaction has since held the world record for the most expensive du-rag ever purchased by a Jew in human history...

Sincearly and extremely,
Bored at work
Komodo- December 2, 2009 at 6:19 pm
Kaley Cuoco is smokin' hot. WORD.
exp- December 2, 2009 at 6:18 pm
Cage Potato was talking about Kimbo but I ended up just focusing on that lady over there. CP, can you just cut Kimbo out of the picture and update it. Don't change the story just the picture.
Sabado Gigante- December 2, 2009 at 6:08 pm
Option #15: the return of Seth Petruzzeli
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