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Worst Case Scenario Survival Guide: What to Do If Randy Loses to James Toney

(Keep laughing, KenFlo. It won’t be so funny when “Lights Out” brings the side check kick down to 155. PicProps:

Sunday morning, you wake up. Splitting hangover headache. You roll over and nausea sweeps through your body. You will yourself not to puke. “Where am I,” you think, “and who is this fat chick?” The night before is a total blur. There are significant gaps. You remember being at the bar, yelling unintelligible shit at a TV. Some guy you don’t know kept buying you shots. You might’ve left a bunch of voicemails for that girl you like. After that you must – wait — then it hits you. Holy fucking shit. Randy Couture fucking LOST to James Toney last night.

Scary though huh, PotatoNation? Consider the above paragraph a kind of public service announcement. Some don’t-let-this-happen-to-you type shit. Here at The Potato we are nothing if not realists. We believe wholeheartedly in expecting the best while preparing for the worst, or whatever the terrible cliché says we ought to do. For that reason, it’s probably a good idea that we all spend a few minutes considering the possibility that Toney might actually beat Couture at tonight’s UFC 118. You know, just in case. It won’t be easy, but we can get through this together.

First, if you are unlucky enough actually have friends who like boxing – if you do, bravo, your friend group is more diverse than mine – and assuming you haven’t lost it in the drunken aftermath, do not turn your phone off. It’s imperative we don’t let these people see us sweat. Keep in mind what would’ve happened if Couture had won. Boxing people would’ve shrugged it off with a mumbling denial about how “Toney was washed-up anyway” and then gone back to reading their newspapers or making calls on their landline phones or whatever else these past-worshipers do.

In the interest of keeping up a united front, it’s best that we come up with a cover story right now.  We’re going to use the boxing people’s own arguments against them, got it? Practice saying it with me: “Couture is old, man. Dude is 46. Of course he lost. Let’s see Toney fight ‘Shogun,’ then we’ll talk.”

There, that wasn’t so bad.

Secondly, let’s go ahead and stay off the internet for a few days. You know the one guy who picked Toney to win this fight is going to author some kind of “I-told-you-so” blog and that’s just going to make us fly into a rage. And the message boards? Shit, let’s not do that to ourselves. The good news is, it’s only a couple of weeks until the next UFC event, so people will essentially have no choice but to move on soon. 

Also, know in advance that you’re going to hear a lot of stupid people say a lot of stupid things over the next days or weeks. Some of these people will be on television. Don’t think for one minute you’re going to get out of this mess without the Tony Kornheisers and Jay Mariottis of the world sputtering at top volume about how Couture’s loss means something significant about MMA’s future. Michael Wilbon might even take this opportunity to yell the name “Rampage Jackson!” over and over, which is always his rhetorical strategy when MMA comes up. Ignore these men. These men are cowards, Donny. At the very least, they’re men who don’t know anything about mixed martial arts or, for that matter, boxing.

Essentially, it boils down to this: If Randy loses to James Toney tonight, it won’t matter. It doesn’t mean anything. It’s just two old guys fighting in a cage. Nothing more. So, keep your chin up, little fella. Take an aspirin. Get some sleep. You’ll feel better by Sunday afternoon. I mean, at least about the fight. The fat chick, well, we can’t help you with that.

Cagepotato Comments

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DARKHORSE06- August 28, 2010 at 5:13 pm
I hope JT wins; it would show immigrants across the US that they can be successfull without learning English.
ghostboner- August 28, 2010 at 4:15 pm
Toney had better not be getting that size of a payday. You hear me DFW? He better not. You wanna inspire the fighters to form a union? Well that would be a good way to do it.
CZ- August 28, 2010 at 2:39 pm
I dont think anyone expected him to beat Evander Holyfield either/ I get it, two different sports, but still, wanting him to lose is not enough. Couture may be in trouble tonight.
inverted triangle poke- August 28, 2010 at 2:28 pm
someone should totally post the video of Dave Chapelle doing Don King for gay boxing. "we're gonna call it friday night sissy fights!" in your best Don King imitation. LOL
Mr_Misanthropy- August 28, 2010 at 2:10 pm
I actually don't mind Toney. He's nearly impossible to unnerstan and he's fun to make fun of, but the guy actually says some pretty funny shit and he sticks to his guns. I also respecognize the fact that he's a fighter and he's willing to put his money where his mouth is and get in a cage on PPV TV.

As far as the boxing scene in general deserving any respect though, I feel like they traded respect for big ass pay checks and prissy rock star attitudes a long time ago.
Mr_Misanthropy- August 28, 2010 at 1:56 pm
Dundas you sheep-raper! Those aren't even regulation velcro gloves!
meanfinger- August 28, 2010 at 12:45 pm
after hearing how much toney is getting paid..i suddenly lost 85% of my interest in this fight.. that fat nigga is doin it for the money, he knows he doesnt belong in there.. death fighting has been obsolete since the 80's.. back when that fat bastard could actually cut a pound or two.
exect4500- August 28, 2010 at 12:36 pm
I would be immeasurably saddened if Randy's career went the way of Chuck's career. If he loses this fight, after the shock wares off there would definitely be calls for his retirement.
Ballkick- August 28, 2010 at 12:24 pm
I am going to give you a play by play of the first and final round of JT's foray into the UFC octagon and MMA career.
Round begins with JT and RC feeling each other out for the first 30 seconds to a minute. During this time Mumbles will try to do the same thing every boxer does in any
Randy will keep his distance and land as many leg kicks as is humanly possible, thereby taking the strength and will out of JT's punching power. As soon as this has happened look for RC to double leg take down, with RC on top he will Gn'P Toney into giving a limb for a submission, No RNC here fella's JT has no neck, only shoulders and head. Randy wins by arm bar,....that is the way I see it going down.

BTW,....if Toney stands to make 750K-1Mil for this fight that is more disturbing to me than Midget Clown Porn.
TheHuytonHandGrenade- August 28, 2010 at 12:00 pm
Cant see Toney beating The Natural and im also hopin he doesnt Randy is part of my accumaltor haha
NinjaNerd8- August 28, 2010 at 10:55 am
"There is some troll..."

"You all really should read the crap he has been spewing."

No thanks.
Jesus Frijoles- August 28, 2010 at 10:40 am
There is some troll on the forum (RJtravel) who has been stirring the turd. You all really should read the crap he has been spewing. He gives Randy no chance at all.
Jesus Frijoles- August 28, 2010 at 10:36 am
I woke up this morning, hungover and nauseous as hell. I seem to remember a fat chick, but I got out of that low income housing situation before I passed out. I really did think it was Sunday. Gotta say I was pissed off to find out it is Saturday. I want to get this shit over with. I used to follow boxing obsessively. In his prime, all the boxing fans fucking hated Toney. He was a trash talking fuck even back then. I lost LOTS of money betting against the bastard. I do not give a fuck about MMA vs Boxing, aint even relevant. I want Toney to get ground into burger, period. If he wins, Let Lesnar in the cage with him.If that doesn't work, set the Diaz brothers on him with knives, a pit bull with aids, Mirko with an AK......I don't care.
NinjaNerd8- August 28, 2010 at 10:23 am
He seems to want to fight Lesnar. I say let him have it if he wins. That's a fight he doesn't even have a puncher's chance at winning.
ghostboner- August 28, 2010 at 10:10 am
Dundas! Dammit Dundas! You have captured my average post-fights reactions. Usually my guy loses, unless it's Fitch, and usually I wonder who the fuck kept buying me nasty shots like Jager. But it was a good concept for an article. I gotta ask though, if Randy loses, who do we request for Toney to fight next? Shogun, maybe. I was thinking a HW.
stopdrinkingpee- August 28, 2010 at 10:06 am
@danomite: Irony is lost on some people. I thought you had a valid point. This is a sad comment on CP's readership.
Red Baron- August 28, 2010 at 10:05 am
Randy Randy Randy!!!
Red Baron- August 28, 2010 at 10:05 am
Dude, you're weak! A real MMA fan would not be going wobbly in the knees like you are, trying to prepare yourself for Randy losing. Ain't happening! Where did misplace your warrior spirit -- did you lose it in the plastic ball pit at the McDonalds playground?

Man up! MMA fans have been awaiting this moment of enlightenment since Royce schooled Jimmerson when the UFC has 12 viewers.

In the inimitable words of Bruce Buffer: Iiiiiit's tiiiiiime!!!
punchy puncherson- August 28, 2010 at 10:00 am


If Toney wins it means he backed up everything he said. He might lose nine times out of ten, but that would just make it even more impressive.

Nothing but love for the CP, but this article didn't do it for me.

Some funny stuff as usual, just wouldn't have expected this site to be giving ink to the non-debate that is MMA v boxing.

And just while I'm having a cry...

The MMA community gets all menstrual about people trying to discredit their sport, so why take a dig at boxing fans.

Past-worshipers? Oh right, "boxing is dead." Just like "mma is human cock fighting."


Sort of like one minority discriminating against another on baseless shite.

Patrick- August 28, 2010 at 9:54 am
Good article, and good use of one of my favorite under-rated Lebowski quotes.
danomite- August 28, 2010 at 9:52 am
@LMH and vyappar

are you sure it's spelled grammar? what about my use of the ?% punctuation mark? you don't have a problem with that? I don't know whats worse, the fact that neither of you realized I was purposely filling my comment with grammatical mistakes and spelling errors or that out of the 9 or so mistakes I put in there LMH only managed to pick up on "grammer".
danomite- August 28, 2010 at 9:45 am
he was in the top two or three in the world at some point in the past decade though. randy's not exactly a title contender anymore either. I got to disagree about MMA trashing boxing more than the other way around. Both agree that a fighter beats a boxer in MMA and a boxer will beat a fighter in boxing but I've never heard fighters say that boxing is useless the way boxing fans say that MMA is useless. I've heard boxing fans say that MMA is for guys that don't want to get hit, it's for white guys who can't box (Mayweather), it's homosexual, it's practiced and watched by skinheads (Arum), etc... I've never heard fans of MMA ever say anything remotely that derogatory towards boxing. It seems that it mostly comes from old boxing promoters and fans, and from the more douchebaggy boxers like mayweather and Toney (who has repeatedly questioned the gender/sexuality of anybody who grapples or wrestles).
LMH- August 28, 2010 at 9:39 am
It's actually spelled "grammar" not "grammer".... just saying
steampunk22- August 28, 2010 at 9:37 am
Hey Dundas, another good post, comma use be damned!

I'm seriously glad there isn't a massive dry spell after this event, two weeks of potential noise making isn't so bad. If this happened at the end of June, hot damn!

So, whose excited for the fights?

JoseMonkey- August 28, 2010 at 9:37 am
Another good post, dundas. Keep 'em coming.