Steroids in MMA
Which MMA Fighter Will Test Positive For Steroids Next?

From Writer to Fighter

(Guess which of these men doesn’t make his living with his body. Go ‘head. Guess.)

Best-selling author and friend of the Potato, Matthew Polly, won his MMA debut at Saturday night’s Tuff-N-Uff event in Las Vegas after his combination of awkward offense and pudgy middle-agedness proved to be too much for his 24 year-old opponent, who could not answer the bell for the third round. 

If you didn’t know, Polly wrote the hilarious and insightful American Shaolin about his time living and training with the Shaolin monks in China.  He’s been at work on a new book about MMA for what seems like years now, and he spent the last several months living in a flophouse in Vegas and getting beaten up at Xtreme Couture in preparation for his first foray into MMA competition.  Said Polly: 

“I was really nervous. I actually went and hid in one of the bathroom stalls to try and calm down,” Polly said of his routine before the fight. “My first thought when I got out there is, I got Joey Varner (Xtreme Couture trainer), Robert Drysdale (world-class Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu expert) and Randy Couture walking in with me, I was like, I can’t shame them. I can’t go out there and get knocked out in five seconds with them in my corner.  Then it was weird. There was a calm right as the music started. I can do this. I can do this.”

“It was so smoky in there I got lost going to my corner. That was my first panic,” he said. “Then I honest to God got caught myself looking at myself on the big screen and said, ‘Can they see the backfat?’”

The answer is yes.  Yes, they can, Matt.  But much like the women we’ve all known and loved over the years, they were probably too drunk to care. 

Congratulations to Polly for proving that all writers aren’t complete pussies.  He can add this victory to a list of accomplishments that includes teaching the game of basketball to Chinese monks (sort of), and being the only person to ever get kicked out of an IFL event during the national anthem (seriously).  We can’t wait to read his self-deprecating account of the fight when his book finally comes out, assuming that the publishing industry still exists by then.

Cagepotato Comments

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KPT- August 26, 2009 at 12:26 am
They can see also the front and the sidefat, man...
Da Spied Her- August 24, 2009 at 2:48 pm
So this just proves that Xtreme Couture can train just about anybody to beat a drunk pulled in off the streets. Yay.
agentsmith- August 24, 2009 at 1:45 pm
I like how everyone in that photo looks pleasantly surprised that he won.
hoppa5150- August 24, 2009 at 1:22 pm
fight was held at the Orleans Hotel & Casino in Vegas. Was in the locker room forthe fights Mat's 24 year old opponent was in our lockerroom. Talked with him a bit and he had never fought before or trained out of a gym. He sparred with a friend for about a week to prepare for the fight at "50 to 75%". Our corners wrapped his hands when he saw that his girlfriends was trying to tape his hands up. His girlfriend and sparring friend cornered him. They were inexperienced but i give them respect for stepping in and fighting. They slugged and just went after it. Props to both of them.
BROCK LESNARS DICK- August 24, 2009 at 12:23 pm
HugePenisLarry- August 24, 2009 at 11:43 am
That's what I'm saying, how the hell does that even happen?
Jay Smith- August 24, 2009 at 11:39 am
I knew Tim Robbins was a bad ass, but I didn't know he was fighting. His new movie, "Shaw-slap Redemption" is supposed to be excellent.
shitbag- August 24, 2009 at 11:27 am
"and being the only person to ever get kicked out of an IFL event during the national anthem (seriously). "

Yea - where's the link on that??
portland mma- August 24, 2009 at 11:27 am
Is there anywhere you can go and watch the fight online?
allelbows- August 24, 2009 at 11:22 am
He writes on lots of topics and writes for a variety of very prestigious publications. He has a particularly good interview with Fedor in Russia during a Sambo tournament for
GetUpAndKill- August 24, 2009 at 11:17 am
Proof that success in this world is all in who you know.
And fuck the fuckin Diaz brothers Fuck em all- August 24, 2009 at 11:06 am
I guess this would be the equivalent of a stupid kicker throwing for a game winning touchdown inthe NFL??
AkilleeZ- August 24, 2009 at 10:56 am
“It was so smoky in there I got lost going to my corner."

Where was this fight? The basement of a Vietnamese casino?
BuckWild- August 24, 2009 at 10:51 am
Well , is he at least a sports writer ???
omunto- August 24, 2009 at 10:48 am
"and being the only person to ever get kicked out of an IFL event during the national anthem (seriously). "

I wanna hear more about this. Pics or it didn't happen!