“I used to kind of have the opposite problem whenever I’d visit Thailand. Long story.”

And now for something completely different.

It’s 2012, yet I’m about to tell you that Ken Shamrock did something of relevance yesterday. Before you start to guess what he did: Yes, it was actually winning a fight – even though his opponent was just some random tubbaguts. No, it wasn’t a sanctioned MMA fight that he won. And obviously, it was pretty damn embarrassing for everyone involved. Give up yet? Brace yourselves…

Ken Shamrock, while breaking up a fight, hit a woman.  His justification for hitting the woman wasn’t so much “She attacked me first, and I was simply defending myself” as it was the rock-solid “Wait, THAT’S a chick? For real? GET OUT!” defense.

Not that I think any of you are surprised by this, but let’s read what TMZ.com wrote about the incident after the jump:

Shamrock — whose nickname is “The World’s Most Dangerous Man” — was hangin’  out at a mall in Modesto, CA last month when he saw two women fighting each  other in front of the Coach store … surrounded by a group of lookie loos  filming the whole thing.

We’re told Shamrock dove into the scrap and  tried to pry the women apart … when one of the bystanders, a HEAVYSET  bystander, jumped on his back and tried to rip Ken out of the pile.

Shamrock’s rep tells TMZ … he threw the person off of his back and  followed up with a move that knocked the attacker to the ground.

After  the person was incapacitated, the crowd shouted at Ken, “You just hit a girl.”  Ken took a closer look and realized the attacker was in fact a female .. so he  immediately backed off.

An officer arrived to the scene and took a  battery report against Shamrock, noting the only injury was a slight abrasion to  the woman’s knee. The report was sent to the District Attorney’s Office.

But law enforcement sources tell TMZ … Shamrock probably won’t be  prosecuted because officials don’t feel the woman he knocked to the ground is a  “victim.” In fact, they believe Ken was acting in self-defense.

Just so we’re all on the same page: Ken Shamrock was breaking up a fight that was being filmed in front of a Coach store – which is ironic, considering these types of promotions are the only ones still willing to book Ken Shamrock - when some tubby jumped on his back. Despite the fact that his chin is held together by shards of glass, chewed bubble gum and tainted supplements, he stayed awake and managed to knock down his opponent (?!). Upon actually looking at his foe, Shamrock realized that “he” was actually just a husky “she.” Regardless, Shamrock more than likely won’t be punished for this because he was defending himself, and stopped attacking once his attacker backed off.

I know that Ken Shamrock’s career has really taken a turn for the absurd as of late, but this story is crazy even for him. So crazy, in fact, that I have nothing sarcastic or terrible to say about it. I just wish that Dana White heard about Ken Shamrock’s triumphant victory a little bit sooner.

@SethFalvo