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WTF?! Video of the Day: Thank God, Steven Seagal Has Arrived to Save Our Nation From School Shootings

(Seagal, seen here donning various items of clothing he had stolen from the cubbies of children he cared so dearly for.) 

Somewhere between Hard to Kill and Cockpuncher, Steven Seagal experienced a Christ-like resurrection of his career using only the power of audacity and the “free member for life” coupon to Old Country Buffet he had secured through a sponsorship deal in 1989. Seemingly overnight, the aging sensei emerged from a bargain bin of straight-to-DVD cop films (which to be fair, is a game he’ll never truly leave behind) and gut-bustingly awful musical endeavors to become the personal mentor of the pound-for-pound greatest fighter in the world, inventor of the front kick, and a “respected” member of the law enforcement community. Like the Phoenix who rose out of the Arby’s wrappers of its former self, Seagal was able to successfully come back from the dead and reconnect with semi-fame. And he is not letting go this time.

Take the events of this past weekend, for instance, in which Seagal was able to use said fame to join forces with the Maricopa County Police Department and assemble a posse (his words, not mine) of school shooting response specialists. Because if anyone knows how to react to a real life crisis situation, it’s the guy who has made a career terribly pretending to react to fake ones.

After the jump: A video snippet of this hilariously misguided endeavor, featuring paintball warfare, some misplaced picketing, and a surprising lack of firing range goggles*.

“You’re not doctors and lawyers, you’re cops. When you yell at somebody ‘Get down on the ground!’ they gotta do it. If they don’t do it, you better make them comply. Quick. For every second that goes by you could be losing children.”

Yep, that was the kind of profound advice actual men of the law received from a guy who played one on TV. And before you try to bring Seagal’s credentials into play, know this: Steven Seagal is as much a cop as Shaquille O’Neal is one, and attempting to argue this point will only make you look like an asshole. You don’t see Dennis Leary patrolling the streets of NYC and ordering on-scene fireman to “Throw more water on the fire, because water kills fire,” nor will you ever hear about the time Sean Astin served as defensive coordinator for Notre Dame, because that shit is supposed to work the other way around.

The Maricopa County Police Department’s decision to involve Seagal in such a controversial affair would be even more baffling if you didn’t first realize that they have all but given the guy the keys to their armory and a judge-approved “Fuck you, I’m Steven Seagal” pass to do whatever the hell he wants. This was the same police department that agreed to participate in the Segal-starring reality show afterbirth known as Lawman, and the same department that once allowed Seagal to bust up a cockfight with a tank that in turn led to just one arrest and the deaths of 150 chickens. If only we were making that up.

What does any of this have to do with MMA? Nothing, but if Sensei Seagal is going to continuously find ways to forcibly penetrate my psyche, than you Taters are going to share the brunt of it with me.

*Seriously, can someone explain to me why Seagal wears firing range goggles to an MMA fight, a movie premier, or a return trip to the OCB, but when an actual occasion in which they might be appropriate arrives, he dons a scarf? It’s like he’s laughing at us while laughing with us. 

-J. Jones

Cagepotato Comments

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KungfuJaysus- February 13, 2013 at 6:47 am
Cock Puncher lmao!!!!!!!!
mma4ever- February 12, 2013 at 3:00 pm
Ur a badddddd man drano.
Enricho Palazzo- February 12, 2013 at 5:51 am
I'm not sure what's so hilariously misguided about a school shooting response team, but just for the record, regardless of what a douchebag Seagal may be, he is a legit reserve Deputy Chief of the Sheriff's Office in Louisiana, and he was brought in to Arizona mainly to train in hand-to-hand defense tactics. Y'know, him being a 7th Dan black belt in Aikido and all. While you're entitled to your opinion, J. Jones, I generally like your articles, but I don't think you fully researched this before throwing your feces at it.

Just curious, if this school shooting defense team DIDN'T involve Steven Seagal, how would you feel about it?
mma4ever- February 12, 2013 at 5:36 am
2 liters of wine at the time and it made sense realized it didnt i blame the booze. Where does your retarded thoughts come from drano? Bet u get punched out alot and if not u should a least get slapped for that mouth of yours.
dranokills- February 12, 2013 at 1:19 pm
pussies who drink wine and get drunk could never work up the courage to slap me.
ItburnswhenIpee- February 11, 2013 at 8:35 pm
Let's be honest here... everything he's ever done has been 'bargain bin of straight-to-DVD cop films'...
crappiefloper- February 11, 2013 at 8:09 pm
Actually had some internal debat as to wether or not to post...weird.
With out getting into it to much, Lets just assume I know what I'm talking about here, and leave it at that.
Good to see Leo training instead of burying their heads in the sand. Going to assume they are actually going to learn effective tactics at some point, and the camera just didn't happen to capture that for trade secrecy reasons. Cause they're tactics could use some polishing, to say the least.
Right out of the gate, Watch numb nuts with slide lock on his glock sim in the initial response. WTF?! Transition,reload, or at least notice your out of battery.
Thumblaster- February 11, 2013 at 7:53 pm
I dig chicks that wear glasses, ya know they got the whole sexy librarian thing going eh I do'nt know just sayin.
anderson wanderlei paulo thiago alves silva- February 11, 2013 at 4:52 pm
"You could be losing children", teeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeechnically, hes at a school doing a "school" shooting training.
mma4ever- February 11, 2013 at 4:24 pm
Now he is wearing see threw raquet ball glasses he sees all the dum shit he does.
dranokills- February 11, 2013 at 7:23 pm
You know I don't even need glasses to see THROUGH you and all the DUMB shit you say.
mma4ever- February 11, 2013 at 4:21 pm
Look at his pic and litsen to that song...and if i could have this momment for life...for life..its perfect.
mma4ever- February 11, 2013 at 4:19 pm
Hey j.J. Anytime u wanna post or write about the sensei im good. Segall is a ass and thats were my best work comes from .
Fried Taco- February 11, 2013 at 3:25 pm
Forget Seagal, I'm mad about the tractors.
The12ozCurls- February 11, 2013 at 3:13 pm
As far as the new Seagal goatee look - for the record - Doesn't it look like somebody stapled a 1970's vagina to his face? Just sayin'.
The_Dead_Cow- February 11, 2013 at 2:31 pm
Fuck my life, I actually live in Maricopa county
towelie- February 11, 2013 at 2:28 pm
its a shemagh, not a traditional scarf. just sayin'.
J.Jones- February 11, 2013 at 2:25 pm
@drano - Your criticism is duly noted, however, you''ll understand if I choose to disregard the advice of a guy who has done nothing but ignorantly spew hate and argue with trolls on this site for the past five years. It would be like if I was a cop who was being told how to do my job by some washed up...well, you get my point.
dranokills- February 11, 2013 at 2:43 pm
I figured you might say something equally lame as fuck as your response. yeah, uh huh just cause YOU say so I'm defined by YOU, ha, whatever dude, go write something you actually know about. Your a shitty writer, luckily you don't get paid otherwise this really would be a sad tragic event.
ArmFarmer- February 11, 2013 at 2:04 pm
I thought when they let him get ahold of one of their tanks he ran over some childrens puppies, not a couple hundred chickens.. Two seperate incidents? Do they just let him run tanks into shit whenever he wants?
dranokills- February 11, 2013 at 2:03 pm
As I have said before: go fuck yourself J. Jones. You write about shit you have no knowledge of, just because secretly you want to blow Seagal doesn't mean the rest of us have to read your stupid hate-mongering diatribes about a man who is your better and ALL of MMA. Your petty jealousy is annoying, stupid, and unhealthy.
Let me end this as I began it : go fuck yourself you no talent writing hack.
The12ozCurls- February 11, 2013 at 2:03 pm

OMG that is great. And to think the bossman said that ReX's seizure list would be in bad taste. YES - the same man that put a picture of a puppy taking a shit as a featured post. I love CP. We are all going to hell though.
Seraldo Babalu- February 11, 2013 at 2:00 pm
seagal wears bullet proof clothing for fuck sakes. vice talks about it in there bullet proof clothing video. i'm surprised this guy can carry that gigantic ego around.
J.Jones- February 11, 2013 at 1:53 pm
Thanks, Nate. On an unrelated note, I hear things got ugly once they switched from paintballs to live rounds:
The12ozCurls- February 11, 2013 at 1:38 pm
"Like the Phoenix who rose out of the Arby’s wrappers of its former self"

Fucking awesome JJ

*starts LUCAS-esque slow clap*