Anyone who has kids can tell you that it seems no sooner are you finished shelling out a wad of cash on one-and-done Halloween costumes then you’re being bombarded with Christmas wish lists from those little money pits, chock-full of useless and annoying toys that you can neither afford nor should ever consider giving to a child if you are the least bit sane. And before we can even sit down to a nice Thanksgiving meal that eventually erupts into a heated argument over why they let Chaz Bono compete on Dancing With the Stars, former UFC light heavyweight champion Quinton “Rampage” Jackson is here to remind us all that the gifts we do receive will likely be worse than even our pathetic standards could have predicted.
Bad Gift Disorder, or BGD, is a fake disease that has afflicted more people worldwide than Restless Legs Syndrome and TBA combined, and according to Rampage, “can end relationships, destroy homes, and even wreck the environment.” Upon hearing this, Al Gore immediately published a full report proving that BGD would erode the Ozone layer within the next three years unless everyone buys a hybrid car. And I’m sorry Mr. Gore, but I just don’t care enough about the environment to be caught dead in one of these Doug Funny clown cars.
Now, I know math isn’t exactly my strongest suit, but could someone please explain to me what the hell “8.92 and 1/2 seconds” is? That can’t be a real figure…right? Right?! Curse you, Upstate New York school systems, for your blatant lack of insight in this field.
Though there is no cure for BGD outside of giving a shit, which, let’s be honest, most of us gave up on since reading the news, Rampage states that “98 percent of bad gifts are 103 percent preventable.” So it is to you, Mr. Jackson, that I must ask, does the 6 pack of Red Bull and deluxe edition DVD set of The Secret I bought for my 6 year old nephew count as giving a shit?