‘EliteXC: Heat’ — Beatdown by Beatdown

Spoiler alert: Ninja, Gina, Andrei, Jake, and Kimbo (!) are going to win, maybe all within the first round. If you’re curious about how exactly it’ll happen, read on. Hit that “more” link and refresh the page every few minutes to get all the latest updates from the live CBS broadcast, comin’ atcha from the BankAtlantic Center in Sunrise, Florida. Seriously though, this is about to be some lopsided shit. Grab some beers.

Get this: At about 6:20 p.m. ET, MMA Rated passed along the word that Ken Shamrock sustained a cut above his eye in the last 24 hours while training, forcing him to pull out of tonight’s main event against Kimbo Slice. Frank Shamrock — who is handling commentary tonight for CBS — actually volunteered to step in as a last-minute replacement, but he isn’t licensed to fight in Florida, so EliteXC instead had their eyes on KOTC brawler/UFC castoff Seth Petruzelli, who was supposed to face Aaron Rosa on tonight’s undercard. Then, MMA Rated reported that a very shady doctor was found who cleared Shamrock to fight around 7 p.m., saving “Heat” from one of the greatest Epic Fails in MMA history. Well, we hope. MMA Weekly now says that the fight has a 50/50 chance of happening. Other sources say the fight is 100% dunzo.

Update: Ariel Helwani tells Ben Fowlkes (who tells me) that Seth Petruzelli is 100% in as Ken’s replacement. Wow. On the bright side, Kimbo is finally fighting a legitimate heavyweight who isn’t riding an eight-fight losing streak. This should be interesting…

Update #2: “JM” wins the t-shirt. Shoot your address and size to [email protected], brah.

CagePotato.com’s EliteXC: Heat liveblog is brought to you by Old Speckled Hen and Debbie’s Killer Wings.

Quick poll: Does the replacement of Ken Shamrock with Seth Petruzelli make this event more or less compelling for you?

The broadcast begins with Gina, Kimbo, Andrei, and Jake slow-walking in front of a sunset, a narrator descriving how badass they are. Then we have a highlight montage, which even features Mauro Ranallo in slow-mo. They show Ken shoving Kimbo at the weigh-ins, a total bitch move — real sub-WWE shit. Gus Johnson confirms that Ken is out and Seth is in. We cut to a very disappointed Ken Shamrock. His cut, which required six stitches, does indeed look pretty nasty. But Shamrock expresses that he’d rather fight through it. (“I’ll fight right now…I’ve fought worse than this.”) He apologizes. He says “Kimbo deserves a beating, and I’m gonna give it to him.” Alright, stop talking now so we can get on with it.

Frank Shamrock wonders aloud why Ken is training this hard so early before the fight, “jeopardizing his career and the Shamrock family legacy.”

We see Kimbo walking backstage with his entourage. Icey Mike is definitely in the mothafuckin’ house. And there’s the first Affliction commercial of the night, plugging Fedor Emelianenko and his “signature line.”

Murilo “Ninja” Rua vs. Benji Radach
Fun fact: Radach is a practitioner of “facesmashing fu.”
Round 1: Radach rushes in with punches, then some more, rocking Rua. Rua swings back, but he’s in trouble. Radach nails Rua again, and swarm him against the cage. Rua tries to clinch, but Radach punches out of it. They both connect and we almost get a double KO as both fighters go down! Groggily, Radach crawls over to Rua and tries to get on top but Rua gets up and clinches. Radach is bloody. Radach thinks about a gillotine, but Rua backs him off and lands a flying knee. Radach takes Rua down and takes his back. Rua twists around and tries for an armbar. Radach gets on top and Rua tries for an ankle lock. It’s a close call, but Radach escapes. Rua tries again for the foot lock, Radach escapes again and gets to his feet. They soon go to the ground again and the bell rings as Rua tries for a rear-naked choke. Amazing round.

Round 2: Rua with a hard leg kick, then a nice knee to the body. Radach brushes him back with a left hook. Radach sticks Rua with a punch as Rua comes in for a kick, then lands a big straight right. Rua clinches and goes for the single leg, but Radach shakes out. Rua slips while throwing a flying knee and falls on his back. Radach jumps on top and punches Rua’s lights out. KO, Radach, 2:31 of round 1.

Gina Carano says she’s considering going to 145 from now on. “Conditioning isn’t an issue, but the steam room is.”

Gina Carano vs. Kelly Kobold
Kobold gets some boos. A Team Bison member, her rash guard plugs DoWork.com. (That’s like CareerBuilder, right?)
Round 1: Kobold gets cracked going in for a takedown, and clinches with Carano against the fence. Carano gets a knee in, but she seems to be overpowered. Kobold trying hard for the single-leg but Carano gets out and starts throwing leather. Both women land shots before Carano gets the thai clinch and throws a couple knees. Kobold bulls Carano against the cage, trying again for the takedown. Carano escapes. Kobold is bleeding from the forehead. Carano takes a hard punch as the round ends.

By the way, Cyborg won a decision against Yoko Takahashi earlier in the evening.

Round 2: Carano lands a nice right and throws a flurry, smelling blood. Kobold grabs on to stops the damage. Kobold tries for a guillotine, but Carano escapes and throws punches. Kobold slips in a left hook, Carano answers with her own. Then a right from Carano. Carano is sticking n’ moving very well now, but Kobold doesn’t stop moving forward. Tough broad. Kobold rushes forward pinwheeling her arms then gets a takedown. Kobold throwing down shots from the top as the round ends. A lot closer fight than expected.

Round 3: Kobold bulling forward, clinches with Carano against the cage. Kobold really wants to take it to the ground, but Carano’s defense is solid. Gina looking for a guillotine. A stalemate against the cage and the crowd boos. The ref separates them. Kobold’s punches are wild, but she gets Gina against the cage again. Knee from Carano. Carano sinks in a weird side choke from the top, but Kobold pulls out. Gina lands two punches and two front kicks, and three body kicks as the round ends. She stole the round in the last 15 seconds, and will probably get the decision. Kobold was tenacious, but didn’t do enough damage. Meanwhile, Kelly’s face is bleeding hard. Judges love blood.

Sorry, technical difficulties. Gina wins the unanimous decision.

Roy Nelson vs. Andrei Arlovski
Next to Andrei, Roy just looks like some short fat guy.
Round 1: Arlovski lands two leg kicks and Nelson clinches against the cage. Nelson takes Arlovski down and gets on top, passing quickly to side control. Nelson tries for the straight armlock, but Arlovski gets out. Arlovski pops out from under Nelson, kicking him off, but Nelson dives back on into half-guard. Nelson again works for an armlock from the top. The ref brings them back to their feet. Nelson whiffs on a huge haymaker and clinches again with Arlovski against the cage. Arlovski gets in a nice knee to Nelson’s face, then one to the body. The ref breaks up the stalemate against the cage. Arlovski lands a leg kick and a solid straight punch. Nelson swings and misses. Nelson again pushing Arlovski against the cage and the crowd boos. The round ends.

Tito Ortiz says he’s about a week away from signing with Elite. Ooh! He says he’d like a rematch with Frank Shamrock.

Round 2: Arlovski gets in two punches, but slips and Nelson mobs him against the cage. Arlovski gets out and gets in a right straight then a head kick, wobbling Nelson. Arlovski gets the thai clinch and drives in a knee, then a punch flurry when Nelson wriggles out, and Arlovski finds Nelson’s off button. He hits the mat in a heap. Great knockout punch, 3:14 of round 2.

Oh, hey: The person who predicts the ending of Kimbo/Petruzelli the closest gets a CagePotato “Hall of Fame” t-shirt.

Jake Shields vs. Paul Daley
Shields runs out to the cage with his championship belt over his shoulder. Dude’s psyched.
Round 1: Jake Shields throws some kicks to start, then shoots for a takedown, but Daley sprawls and stuffs it. Good leg kick by Daley. Shields shoots for another takedown and gets it. He passes to side control, then full mount. Daley is jammed up against the cage; a bad spot. Shields throws down some punches from the top. Daley tries to wriggle out, but Shields sticks on him, posturing up and dropping shots. Shields is high on Daley’s chest now, jackhammering punches. Daley’s covering up, but has no answer. Shields tries for an armbar, but can’t get it. He tries again, and Daley rolls on top of Shields, bashing him with elbows. The round ends. Still, it was Shields’s round.

Round 2: Daley’s brushes back Shields with a head kick. Daley rushes forward landing some hard punches. Daley clinches and nails Shields with a knee, and drags him to the mat. Shields gets up. Daley gets in a nice left hook and Shields drops, trying to take it to the ground. Daley wants nothing to do with it. Shields pushes Daley against the cage and takes him down, getting mount again. Shields tries to set up an armbar again and fails. Daley isn’t doing anything on the ground except getting punched. Shields moves to side control, then mount again, and sets up the armbar once again. He gets it this time, and Daley taps, 3:47 of round 2.

Shields says he wouldn’t mind going to 185 and challenging for Robbie Lawler‘s belt.

The main event is next, which means the broadcast will only go about 15-20 minutes over, tops. Not bad, guys!

In the highlights from the Cyborg/Yoko fight, we see that Yoko took quite a beating en route to that decision loss. Would you expect anything less?

Kimbo: “I just try to shed blood on the situation.”

Oh, so Seth Petruzelli is a light-heavyweight now? Wonderful.

Kimbo Slice vs. Seth Petruzelli
Round 1: Kimbo comes in and gets cracked with a knee right away, then Seth mobs him with punches until the ref stops it!!! Seth Petruzelli SHOCKS THE WORLD! THE MOST INCREDIBLE VICTORY IN THE HISTORY OF MIXED MARTIAL ARTS, ACCORDING TO THE ANNOUNCER!!!

In the replay, I see that it was actually a punch that rocked Kimbo after a front kick. My bad. Kimbo got his lights turned out by a short punch. And so ends the great Kimbo Slice MMA experiment.

EliteXC is so fucked. This is the worst thing that could have possibly happened.

Who had Seth by TKO in 14 seconds? Because you just won a shirt.

Kimbo says it’s all good, and still thanks his sponsors. He shouts out his afterparty and leaves the building. “Kimbo Slice, who knows what’s next for him.”

Mauro says that Kimbo wasn’t in the proper state of mind when he was walking out to the cage, but this is really a “mulligan” for him, considering he wasn’t preparing for Seth. Gus Johnson is basically eulogizing Kimbo now. And that’s the broadcast.

Seriously. 14 seconds. Discuss.