By CagePotato contributor Kipp Tribble
10. Jens Pulver vs John Lewis (15 seconds)
UFC 28: High Stakes was the venue for this classic KO. The left hook that Lil’ Evil lands is the stuff that bar-fight dreams are made of. Lewis hits the mat and appears to want to fight the ref for a few seconds until deciding he’s better off lying still. Not much to it, but damn what a shot to the face – and one that pushed Lewis into early retirement.
9. Gary Goodridge vs Paul Herrerra (13 seconds).
Way back in 1996 at UFC 8: David vs. Goliath, Goodridge squared up against Herrera in what was being billed as a “solid match.” If by “solid” they meant a guy getting elbowed almost to death, then solid it was. Goodridge quickly wrapped Herrera up and was on his way to a submission, but decided, “Why not? I’ll just try and kill him instead.” Double G then proceeds to land elbow after elbow to Herrera’s temple, rendering him pretty damn lifeless. Sorry for the lack of sound on this one – you’ll have to add your own agonized groaning.
8. Aleksander Emelianenko vs. James Thompson (11 seconds)
Well, this one just makes us smile. First you have James Thompson, built like a Mack truck and shaking with fury. Then you have doughy Aleksander Emelianenko, who looks like he just woke up from a nap. As they meet in the center of the ring, Thompson gives Emelianenko a stare-down that would crush cement; Emelianenko calmly wipes a booger off his upper lip. If you haven’t seen what happens next, we won’t spoil it for you…
7. BJ Penn vs Caol Uno (11 seconds).
UFC 34: High Voltage became a scene of absolute baddassery as BJ Penn (only 22 years old at the time) hustled out to the Octagon, kicked ass and ran back to the locker room before his beer even had a chance to get warm. Uno was a formidable opponent, but what the hell was he thinking trying to fly in with a half-hearted kick against someone of Penn’s prowess? BJ countered with a combo that dropped the wiry Uno and then proceeded to pound away at his face. Sort of like he did to that undercover cop two years ago. Allegedly.
6. Neil Grove vs James “The Colossus” Thompson (10 seconds).
Yep, another video starring our friend James “The Harder They Fall” Thompson, and it’s a great example of dropping the defense in order to set up your own knock-out punch. Thompson was heavily favored – plus, he gives Neil Grove one of his trademark stare-downs while Grove appears to be shaking a turd out of his shorts. It starts off as expected, with Grove taking a few shots to his out-of-shape frame. But who the fuck would’ve thought he had a monster right? Now we all know. Check out how Thompson doesn’t even move after hitting the mat.
5. Chris “Red Bull” Willems vs Akoni Nakila (9 seconds).
He may not be a big name yet, but what a debut for Chris Willems at Rumble on the Rock: Beatdown IV. We’ve all seen this video, but damn if it isn’t fun to watch over and over again. The only reason this fight lasted 9 seconds is because they danced around a bit before Willems landed that monster high kick to Nakila’s unguarded melon. Gotta’ keep those hands up, Son! The sound of foot against face is deafening and the slo-mo reveals something flying from Nakila’s mouth. We’re guessing it’s his soul.
4. Takanori Gomi vs Ralph Gracie (6 seconds).
Did anyone imagine someone with the name “Gracie” eating it so fast? After refusing to touch gloves like most classy competitors, Ralph goes for the standard Gracie takedown and gets caught with a knee. When his opponent’s mug hits the mat, Gomi decides to introduce him to his knee again – not once, but about six or seven times. It should be noted that Gomi could’ve knocked himself out during his jackass tightrope celebration after the win. Not that it would’ve changed the fact that Ralph got his ass kicked.
3. Joey Villasenor vs Hank Weis (5 seconds).
It was at King of the Cage: New Mexico where Hank Weis decided to focus on guarding himself from Joey Villasenor’s powerful right. Good strategy if Joey didn’t have a left arm. Weis makes his move, Villasenor jacks him with one of the hardest lefts we’ve seen, and Weis is in dreamland before he hits the ground. Lucky for ‘Ol Hank that he went down when he did – if Villasenor’s follow up right had fully landed, Hank’s head might have ended up in the ninth row.
2. Norifumi “Kid” Yamamoto vs Kazuyuki Miyata (4 seconds).
Everyone knew Kid had the advantage, but a handful figured the previously un-knocked out Miyata would make a go of it. Unfortunately for Miyata, he was too busy trying to stay loose when the bell started the match. Two seconds later, the Kid’s crotch is in his face and then he’s tasting the flying knee. Four seconds into the match – well, he doesn’t really remember that. Kid’s biggest workout of the match was his celebration.
1. Chris “The Menace” Clements vs Lautaro Tucas (3 seconds).
This knockout from May 2006 was so devastating for Lautaro Tucas that he has yet to fight again. Which is a shame, considering his crowd-pleasing style: Run at your opponent at full speed, then jump up as you fly in at him. Oh yeah, and make sure you keep your arms at your side and keep your chin extended – it makes it easier to ensure you’re eating the mat within a second. Gotta’ love the announcers laughing as they watch it back in slow motion.
Did we leave anything out? If so, post some video links in the comments section…