(Don’t worry, it’s the guy on the bottom. Photo courtesy of Getty Images.)
Relax, Potato Nation, we can all rest assured knowing that Vitor Belfort did in fact beat the colon cannonballs out of Michael Bisping at UFC on FX 7 without needing a banned substance to do so (Author’s note: Not that we would judge him if he did. Because when you judge someone, it sounds like you are a God. And we live in a freedom country, where you are either a Republican or a Democrat. Who is right?). And while that’s all well and good, one of the tests from the event did come back positive, as Dana White had mentioned earlier this week.
After many rumors, the results of doping tests UFC Sao Paulo left [Note: Fucking Google translate, I tell you]. According to TATAME, the name of the athlete caught is Thiago Tavares. Our sources, however, need not know the substance used for light weight. His suspension will be nine months.
Yep, the guy we last saw eating Khabib Nurmagomedov’s elbows like they were acarajes is the one who got popped for what we can only assume is some kind of steroid. It kind of makes sense when you realize that Tavares regularly drops 20 pounds in between fights to fulfill his double life as salsa artist Marc Anthony. Thankfully, his karmatic punishment was delivered in the swiftest fashion possible via 27 unanswered shots to the dome. Big Dan DOES NOT allow that kind of insolence in his octagon.
The five year UFC veteran has yet to comment on his positive test, but feel free to start speculating what his excuse will be in the comments section. Personally, I’m going to go with the old “tainted supplements” defense, which seems to be the popular rebuttal amongst Brazilians. It’s all the acai berries if you ask me. Those damn
stanozolol drostanalone-filled acai berries.
According to MMAJunkie, the mystery substance Tavares tested positive for was drostanalone, the weight-cutting steroid of choice for such MMA fighters as King Mo Lawal and Hermes Franca. Chalk up another entry in the CagePotato Steroid Bust Timeline.