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And the Fighter Who Failed His Drug Test at ‘UFC on FX 7′ Is…[UPDATED]


(Don’t worry, it’s the guy on the bottom. Photo courtesy of Getty Images.)

Relax, Potato Nation, we can all rest assured knowing that Vitor Belfort did in fact beat the colon cannonballs out of Michael Bisping at UFC on FX 7 without needing a banned substance to do so (Author’s note: Not that we would judge him if he did. Because when you judge someone, it sounds like you are a God. And we live in a freedom country, where you are either a Republican or a Democrat. Who is right?). And while that’s all well and good, one of the tests from the event did come back positive, as Dana White had mentioned earlier this week.

According to Brazilian news outlet Tatame, the fighter who pissed dirty at UFC on FX 7 was…Thiago Tavares:

After many rumors, the results of doping tests UFC Sao Paulo left [Note: Fucking Google translate, I tell you]. According to TATAME, the name of the athlete caught is Thiago Tavares. Our sources, however, need not know the substance used for light weight. His suspension will be nine months.

Yep, the guy we last saw eating Khabib Nurmagomedov’s elbows like they were acarajes is the one who got popped for what we can only assume is some kind of steroid. It kind of makes sense when you realize that Tavares regularly drops 20 pounds in between fights to fulfill his double life as salsa artist Marc Anthony. Thankfully, his karmatic punishment was delivered in the swiftest fashion possible via 27 unanswered shots to the dome. Big Dan DOES NOT allow that kind of insolence in his octagon.

The five year UFC veteran has yet to comment on his positive test, but feel free to start speculating what his excuse will be in the comments section. Personally, I’m going to go with the old “tainted supplements” defense, which seems to be the popular rebuttal amongst Brazilians. It’s all the acai berries if you ask me. Those damn stanozolol drostanalone-filled acai berries.

[UPDATE]

According to MMAJunkie, the mystery substance Tavares tested positive for was drostanalone, the weight-cutting steroid of choice for such MMA fighters as King Mo Lawal and Hermes Franca. Chalk up another entry in the CagePotato Steroid Bust Timeline

-J. Jones

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dipsetkilla316- February 6, 2013 at 7:48 pm
Hahahahahhahahaha now I'm glad the ref lets him eat a couple of extra bows
painvelasquez- February 6, 2013 at 1:26 pm
I knew it! Good thing "The Eagle" put the stamp on this roid monkey.
cman- February 6, 2013 at 12:51 pm
Fast steroid problem fix. Make him give his purse plus his med bills to his opponent.
teep- February 6, 2013 at 12:13 pm
So is this the first positive test for this Thiago? I can't keep them straight.
Mr_Misanthropy- February 6, 2013 at 11:53 am
There is areal 'roid bias in sports these days. It's fine to compete with hemorrhoids but you can't compete with steroids. It's bullshit.
smellypiratehooker- February 6, 2013 at 11:04 am
I blame it on the pink salmon he was eating at Cyborg Santos' house.
thegorilla- February 6, 2013 at 10:20 am
Called it!

Breaking news: Tavares claims his new diet high in horse meat to blame for positive test.
El Famous Burrito- February 6, 2013 at 10:00 am
The problem is obviously the name Thiago.
Sloppyspray- February 6, 2013 at 9:31 am
Does Khabib now lose his win?
amsterdamheavy- February 6, 2013 at 10:17 am
no
ArmFarmer- February 6, 2013 at 9:24 am
but we do appreciate you delivering the good news that it wasn't someone important
ArmFarmer- February 6, 2013 at 9:22 am
This just in: Nobody cares about Thiago Tavares
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