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Ben vs. Jared — ‘UFC 167: St-Pierre vs. Hendricks’ Edition

(PRIDE t-shirt > tailored suit. Always. You should know this by now, Rory. / Photo via MMAFighting)

The UFC’s latest pay-per-view spectacular goes down tomorrow night in Las Vegas, and we’ll be liveblogging the main card action beginning at 10 p.m. ET / 7 p.m. PT. To help get you in the mood, CagePotato founding editor Ben Goldstein and staff writer Jared Jones have reunited for a bullshit session about all of UFC 167‘s most important themes. Or at least some of them. Mostly we’ll be posting GIFs and talking about online gambling, like usual. Enjoy…

You don’t actually believe Johny Hendricks has a shot here, do you?

BG: No sir, I do not. I really don’t see how this fight plays out any differently than GSP’s second fight against Josh Koscheck, to be honest. Yes, Hendricks can knock you out with his (generously telegraphed) left hand if you stand in front of him, but he’s just not a technically sound striker, and St. Pierre won’t be standing in front of him except for the brief moments that precede a blast double-leg takedown. Yes, Hendricks is a skilled wrestler, but as it applies to MMA, St. Pierre is a much, much better wrestler.

GSP will spend all five rounds out-striking Hendricks and scoring the occasional takedown just to prove that he can, running up his already absurd statistical records in the process. In fact, I’m so sure that this will be the outcome that I’m not even looking forward to this fight all that much. Jared may have given this one a “coolbeans!” in this week’s GIF-Ranking column, but to me, GSP vs. Hendricks is nothing more than Matt Hughes’s ambivalent shrug.

JJ: Did Rudy Ruettiger have “a shot” at making the dress roster of the 1975 Notre Dame Fighting Irish? Did Michael Oher have “a shot” at rising from the ashes of a broken home to eventually be drafted in the 2009 NFL draft?! DID KIRK GIBSON, DOWN TWO DECENT LEGS AND STOMACH RIDDLED WITH THE FLU, HAVE “A SHOT” AT PINCH-HITTING A 9th INNING, WALK OFF HOME RUN IN GAME 1 OF THE 1988 WORLD SERIES?!!

Matt Serra has arms the size of Baby Sinclair, yet he was able to touch the chin of GSP. Johny Hendricks, on the other hand, punches like a Super Saiyan Goku on steroids. So yes, Ben, I think he has “a shot.”

And that’s pretty much it.

As a fan, how psyched will you be if Robbie Lawler knocks Rory MacDonald the fuck out?


BG: To be perfectly clear, I’m not a Rory hater. I think he’s a phenomenally talented fighter, and in general, I have nothing against creepy men wearing trenchcoats as long as they stay away from the park where I take my kid. That being said, Robbie Lawler represents one of the two greatest career-resurgence stories of 2013 — the other being Doug “The Rhino” Marshall, obviously — and yeah, I’ve got a soft spot for him.

Watching “Ruthless” return to the UFC as a welterweight and smoke Josh Koscheck and Bobby Voelker in short order has been a treat for us old-school fans. If he knocks out MacDonald, I’ll be as giddy as Dafoe in the backseat. Plus, there’s something that bothers me about GSP hinting that he’ll leave the welterweight division so Rory can take over. That’s just not how it works, dude.

Please construct a parlay bet for UFC 167 that’s 1) very profitable, and 2) not a guaranteed loser.

BG: It would be my pleasure. A $10 parlay on St. Pierre + Sonnen + Lawler + Cerrone + Perez + Campuzano would bring you back $1,356.21 in profit on BetUs. GSP and Erik Perez are locks, if you ask me. Chael Sonnen — who ran through Shogun in one round in his last fight — could do the same thing to a struggling, under-motivated Rashad Evans, and Robbie Lawler has the power to put Rory MacDonald to sleep with a single punch. The Cerrone vs. Dunham match is a pick-‘em, but I think Cowboy’s due for a good night. Meanwhile, Will Campuzano is a stiff underdog against Sergio Pettis (and rightly so), but Showtime’s little brother has never set foot inside the Octagon, and he’s never beaten anybody you’ve heard of. When the hype-train goes one way, your cash should go the other.

JJ: $100 on Sonnen-MacDonald-Elliot-Cerrone-Ebersole nets $2,728.38 in return. I call it the “Pasty Parlay Perfecto.” I wanted to include Ed Herman in it, but come on. 

Which fight on this card will exceed expectations, and which one will fall short?

JJ: When Will Campuzano loses, he does so in dramatic fashion. The man has been body shot TKO’d by Eddie Wineland (no shame there), choked out by Damacio Page in just over a minute (LOL!), and is perhaps best known for falling victim to the only pillory choke submission in UFC history. I expect Sergio Pettis to do nothing less than flying tornado kick his head into the third row come Saturday night.

As I’ve previously mentioned, Sonnen vs. Evans unfortunately seems like it’s going to be a real piss break of a co-main event if I’ve ever seen one before. Rashad just isn’t fighting like the guy who sent Chuck Liddell into orbit anymore, simply put — he’s fighting timid, he’s fighting gun-shy. And despite the persona he tries to pass off on us cretins, Chael Sonnen really isn’t all that bad of a guy in reality. That he’s completely refrained from referring to Evans as a cocky, fat, sewer-dwelling shyster should tell you all you need to know about how this fight will go down, which is to say, like a light sparring session between two friends who have nowhere to go in the light heavyweight division…

BG: Indiana-based veteran Anthony “The Recipe” Lapsley is making his UFC debut on the Facebook prelims tomorrow, and while most of you only know him as one half of a classic double-knockout, he’s actually a dangerous grappler who could turn in a memorable ground war against Jason High — and maybe even snatch up the Submission of the Night bonus.

As for the fight that will fall short? Not that Koscheck vs. Woodley has a ton of hype behind it, but it is a main card fight, and it could very well be awful. Coming off a loss, Tyrson Woodley might revert back to his wall-and-stall roots just to secure a victory. Josh Koscheck is coming off of two losses, and could be playing it safe as well. (Now that I think of it, none of the fights on the main card are guaranteed to be awesome.) My prediction: This fight will stink up the joint, and Donald Cerrone will angrily spit dip-juice backstage and mutter “I told y’all so.”


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