Steroids in MMA
Which MMA Fighter Will Test Positive For Steroids Next? Presents: The 2012 Potato Awards

The “Really? You’re Just Gonna Keep Doing that Shit that Gets You in All That Trouble?” Award (a.k.a. “The Koppenhaver”): Thiago Silva

(Photo via Divulgação)

I used a urine adulterant when giving a sample…I did so in an attempt to alter the results of the test…This was a terrible decision on my part for which I will be punished. I am prepared to accept this punishment, learn from it and move on.” That was the statement given by Thiago Silva after he was caught trying to fool the NSAC with animal piss or something at UFC 125. While I’m one to admire creativity, I don’t know how the hell he thought that would work. But at least he learned from his mistake and will now grow as a fighter, right? Come on now, if that were the case he wouldn’t be receiving this year’s coveted Koppenhaver, and since this will be the first thing Thiago has won in 40 goddamned months, maybe that’s a good thing.

I think most of us are familiar with the spirit of this award. Hell, if the writing staff of this site were eligible to receive it, I’m guessing it would be even money across the board on who would win. That being said, none of us are top-level fighters (or top-level anything, really), and just can’t be held to the same standards as the likes of Silva. As we all know, Silva recently picked up an impressive win over the undefeated Stanislav Nedkov. He also unfortunately channeled his inner Bob Marley before the fight, causing what was a great submission win to be overturned to a no contest.

I get that training for a fight is brutally hard. I also think that weed is about as harmful as a stiff breeze. Therefore, it makes sense to me that a fighter would find relief by blazing up. Unfortunately for Thiago, the NSAC have all but ignored my numerous suggestions (other than a cease-and-desist letter), and rules are rules. A six-month suspension and weed rehab are next on the agenda for Silva, who will hopefully learn from this mistake, because if not, we might have to change the name of “The Koppenhaver” — and “The Silva” just doesn’t have the same ring to it. - Josh Hutchinson

Honorable Mentions: Miguel Torres, Jason Miller, Paul Daley

Gnarliest Injury of the Year: Acrobatic Sexual Encounter Goes Horribly Wrong for Ray Elbe (12/3/12)

(…and speaking of “dicknailed.” Photo via TMZ/MagicalRay)

It’s funny how the Internet works. Before this year, Ray Elbe was an obscure fighter perhaps best known for being eliminated on the second episode of TUF 9. But for a week in December, he was the name on everybody’s lips. And all he had to do was shatter his penis during a gruesome sex-accident in Kuala Lumpur. As Elbe described it:

Girl was on top…Went higher than 8 1/2″ [in] the air and Arona’d my dyck. When it first happened…blood was everywhere…to the point I passed out. Falling face first I ko’d myself on the floor–very smally chipping two teeth and busting my chin…Fracture and a slight tear in the urinary tube…They have been trying to clean the dry blood of my swollen shaft in between my tears and pleads for them to be gentle..[There] has been a tube stuck out of the small hole at the end of my pee-pee which has allowed me to go urinate without having to get out of the bed…however I must admit, seeing the amount of blood leaking from the hole onto the sheets has made me feel like puking every morning…Those of you asking for pics…I’ve taken some via my Iphone everyday…but trust me…they are brutal…the few friends I’ve sent them to have literally puked. Lesson learned– I will never let a girl on top again. Everything was under control until 1 bounce went a little too high.”

As grotesque limb-snaps go, Ray’s was even worse than Corey Hill. Recognizing the opportunity, Elbe offered photos of his mangled dick to the highest bidder in order to cover his mounting hospital bills. To our knowledge, nobody has taken him up on the offer yet. On the bright side, Elbe and the woman who did this to him are planning to get married. You can’t make this shit up, folks. - Ben Goldstein

Honorable mentions: Anthony Perosh for breaking his toe so terribly that it inspired a photo meme, and Anthony Njokuani for his sandworm hand.

Best Event of the Year: UFC on FOX 5: Henderson vs. Diaz (12/8/12)

When all is said and done, 2012 will go down as the year of that God damned injury curse. Undercard fights, main card fights, and entire cards were scrapped before our very eyes, and like Edward Norton in American History X, our fanboyish hopes and dreams were pinned down in the shower and gang raped as a result. It was a thoroughly deflating year to be an MMA fan to say the least, but finally, FINALLY, the UFC was able to meet our lofty expectations with UFC on FOX 5, delivering a free card that was not only pay-per-view quality but thoroughly entertaining to boot.

First and foremost, UFC on FOX 5 deserves recognition for the simple fact that all of the fighters who were scheduled to complete on the main card were able to make it to fight night in one piece. The fact that the night brought us a last-second submission, a walk-off KO, and two other absolutely savage (T)KO’s in the prelims alone was just the icing on the cake.

And although the main card was only able to bestow one finish, it was perhaps the most poignant display of violence that the sport saw in 2012. Rory Macdonald’s beatdown of BJ Penn, Alexander Gustafsson’s trouncing of Mauricio Rua — these were more than just one-sided beatings, they were a showcase of not only MMA’s humble beginnings, but the direction in which the sport was headed. Call it a “changing of the guard,” the “passing of the torch,” or whatever well-worn phrase you see fit, but UFC on FOX 5 was able to capture a theme, a leitmotif if you will, that few events in any sport are ever able to. And to cap it all off, the main event saw a champion finally garner the respect he deserved, toothpick and all, in a decisive victory over someone who was being lobbied as his toughest opponent to date.

Ben Henderson’s victory over Nate Diaz served not only as a bit of personal redemption for a much ridiculed champion, but as a metaphor for the UFC in general. In a year where the sport’s highest promotion found itself the target of more criticism and cynicism than it had since its breakthrough — much of it stemming from its deal with FOX — Dana White and company were able to end the year with a giant “Fuck You” to the haters, the doubters, and the skeptics who questioned whether or not a mainstream deal would be the demise of the UFC. And they did it in style. - Jared Jones

Submission of the Year: Wolfgang Jansen vs. Aaron Armstrong @ Havoc FC (12/14/12)

We realize we are probably going to get a LOT of shit from you guys for this pick, but when we were going over our list of potential candidates, we put aside our personal biases and asked ourselves two simple questions:

- Have we ever seen this kind of submission before?
- What is the likelihood we will ever see one again?

Simply put, Wolfgang Janssen’s flying reverse triangle was our unicorn, our Eleanor. It was The Showtime Kick of submissions, and although subs like Chan Sung Jung’s D’arce over Dustin Poirier or Ronda Rousey’s armbar over Meisha Tate had a more resounding impact on the MMA community, none of them hold a candle to the And1 mixtape brilliance of Jannsen’s flying reverse triangle. Were the rules slightly manipulated to pull this off? Sure, but negating a submission as creative and ballsy as Jannsen’s on that criteria alone is like saying you wouldn’t have sex with Brittney Palmer because she has pointy elbows. And if you don’t like it, start your own MMA blog and wax poetic about the unfair bias of subjective awards ceremonies. Also, go suck a bag of dicks. - Jared Jones

Honorable Mention: Charles Oliveira’s calf slicer of Eric Wisely @ UFC on FOX 2.

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Cagepotato Comments

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Spaceman- January 2, 2013 at 5:42 pm
2013 prediction...Ryan Jimmo gets destroyed by any Top 10 fighter.
XENOPHON- January 1, 2013 at 1:50 pm
@ Clyde - Hah, I think Chael is practicing for he rubber guard just in case his ass crosses paths with Anderson Silva one last time.
XENOPHON- January 1, 2013 at 1:47 pm
@ SethF - Yeah, here too CP. Eskimo Kisses for all. GRIN

You could say I was in the north-forties - day and night keeping the zombies in check for quite a while. Reveille was at 03:00 (3 a.m.), not hitting the rack until taps at 23:00 (11 p.m.) every fucking day.

Sadly, the geography and terrain was not conducive to any fruitful strain of potatoes. The one's who were nearest me, have for now been caged by the house of ill repute they sprang from and ultimately caged by their own doing.
crappiefloper- January 1, 2013 at 11:26 am
Just woke up next to dancing mom and capt dickswing...I really need a shower
SethF- January 1, 2013 at 11:14 am
@XENOPHON & @FightZen

First, welcome back, XENO. Second, you're both welcome.
Clyde- January 1, 2013 at 10:33 am

Looks like Chael has his sights set on submission of the year. Not sure if it counts when it's on yourself...
XENOPHON- January 1, 2013 at 7:35 am
SethF... Tatanka, really? Don't feel bad FightZen, I found myself in the same trap just a few minutes ago. Fucking Seth! GRIN

The Best 2012 Year Award goes to Nathan Smith. Why you ask? Greenskeeper - Lotion. BIG GRIN

"It rubs the lotion on the skin, or it gets the hose again!" Well in fairness Jared Jones must get some of the credit for this find too.

Which one of you crazy fucks grew up listening to Barret Eugene Hansen (aka. Dr. Demento?)
FightZen- December 31, 2012 at 9:43 pm
I just spent my New Year's eve reading about Tatanka. Fuck you guys.
fatbellyfrank- December 31, 2012 at 8:02 pm
The drunken mom caused millions of boners instantaneously!!!
Pardon me gents, coming from a man who would tap Kim Winslow in a heartbeat drunken mom was nothin special
Deadpanda- December 31, 2012 at 3:55 pm
This list needs more Steve Mazzagatti stash.
Mr_Misanthropy- December 31, 2012 at 3:32 pm
"CagePotato’s crackpipe team of writers spent all morning cutting and pasting old articles in 27 different categories, which we've haphazardly vomited in no conceivable order."

There, I fixed it. No no, thank you.

PS- You forgot "New Female Up and Cummers 6".
PPS- Post more links to Edith's tits.
Mr_Misanthropy- December 31, 2012 at 3:34 pm
I thought it was entertaining but I just couldn't resist...
crappiefloper- December 31, 2012 at 3:23 pm
LOL! Done and DONE! Also included a," get back to me if you identify yourself or relative in video"'clause. I honestly give it about 15 more min before I hear from someone
boober- December 31, 2012 at 3:05 pm
Am I the only one who really enjoyed the Guida/Maynard fight?
crappiefloper- December 31, 2012 at 3:04 pm
Fuck me dude I clicked on the dickswing link. I feel like i need a televised beheading video for a palet cleanser.
The12ozCurls- December 31, 2012 at 3:11 pm
I warned you.
I even included a long-winded disclaimer just in case. But still, you and I both know that you are going to forward that link to most of your friends and all of your enemies.
crappiefloper- December 31, 2012 at 2:23 pm
CP has a lobby? By,"lobby" I can only assume you refer to whichever of yours grandmothers basement this thing is run out of.
peacexxl- December 31, 2012 at 12:29 pm
FUCK YOU CP!!! No matter how many times you say it it will never be true. There is no concensus among anyone who knows anything about MMA that FE won the 2nd fight. Yes it was close,much closer than the first one,but Henderson still won. You need to take Edgar's balls out of your mouth long enought to give Bendo his due.
El Guapo- December 31, 2012 at 11:45 am
Nog Dog shivers while he shits... FTW!!
Fried Taco- December 31, 2012 at 10:49 am
Tawny makes me brawny.
Mr_Misanthropy- December 31, 2012 at 3:36 pm
You mean you need Brawny paper towels?
Sho Nuff- December 31, 2012 at 10:09 am
"For the record, though I have written things for CagePotato that have been more newsworthy, more topical and even more thought-provoking"... Really? When is CP going to publish those? Bazinga!
The12ozCurls- December 31, 2012 at 10:34 am
They are linked asshole - LOL!
BTW, that was freaking hilarious.