(Kung Fu Panda, seen here at the Haywire premier. Just kidding Gina, you know we love you. Seriously, we fucking love you.)
You see, Potato Nation? This is why we can’t have nice things. Continuing the decades-old trend of movie going audiences and critics having the exact opposite opinion of what correlates a decent film, the Gina Carano starring, Steven Soderbergh directed action thriller Haywire opened with a measly 9 million dollars. This, in a weekend that saw Underworld: Rise and Fall of Vamipirous Werewolves 3:The Awakening’s Resolution take in over 25 million and Marky Mark Action Movie #346 take in over 12 million.
Now, it is a well known fact that most movie studios save their biggest cinematic turds for January (this is the month that brought us Season of the Witch, people), but this has to be a disheartening, if not foreboding sign to Gina Carano 2.0, or whatever we refer to her as now that she isn’t actually fighting MMA anymore. Is it too early to write her off? Of course; that moment will come after one of us manages to get off our lazy asses and check out the movie. Shit, I still haven’t seen Warrior, and I watch a disturbing amount of movies.
As you’ve already heard, the critics thus far have praised Haywire for its stripped down feel and intense pace, scoring it an 82% on the Tomatometer. Audiences, on the other hand, have unanimously trounced Haywire, giving it a D+ on Cinemascore. These are the same audiences, mind you, that gave Transformers: Baygasm an A.
[*Pours first glass of scotch for the day.*]
And could you guess which film achieved the lowest score on the Tomatometer and the highest on CinemaScore? That’s right, Underworld Colon Lycan Power 4. As a man with a near crippling latex fetish, I can slightly understand this, because no one rocks the tighty nighties better than Kate Beckinsale, but God dammit people, seriously?
The good news, if any, is that Haywire cost a mere 23 million dollars to make, and will likely earn its investment back, barring a huge second week drop ala The Devil Inside. And considering that Warrior only opened with 5 million dollars, Haywire could be looked at as a step in the right direction, right? I ask unto you, Potato Nation, has anyone actually seen this thing yet?