(Oh Kyle, if only you knew how ironic that tattoo is about to look.) 

There is a Russian proverb that roughly goes, “He that is afraid of bad luck will never know good.” And it is a rare bit of good sense from our Russki comrades; we should not live in fear of things beyond our control like luck, but rather have the confidence in ourselves to believe that our hard work will eventually pay off, be it in fame, fortune, or fiine women. But for every bit of good luck we have, some poor sap out there has a much, much worse day because of it. Like the Mortal Kombat tournaments, these gentlemen’s misfortunes are necessary to maintain the order between realms, so it is to these brave souls that we pay tribute.

We’re talking about those guys who just happened to be on the losing side of a future champion’s debut, or got crushed before they could even get their footing. We’re talking about guys who put their hearts and souls into a sport for years, only to have their debut in the sport’s highest promotion be overshadowed by someone that was just on another level.

So, without further ado, here are the six unluckiest sons of bitches that the UFC has ever seen.

#6 – Alex Soto

Who he drew: 20 year old bantamweight phenom Michael “Mayday” McDonald at UFC 139

How it went down: Let us start with the most recent. Before entering the octagon, Alex Soto was 6-0-1 over local to mid-level competition. Mcdonald, on the other hand, was a 13-1 fighter out of California that had split a pair of contests with former WEC featherweight champion Cole Escovedo, and had scored wins over legitimate UFC competition in Edwin Figueroa and Chris Cariaso. On paper, it was going to be a tough debut for Mr. Soto. In the flesh, it was actually much, much tougher.

McDonald swarmed Soto with a barrage of technically proficient and perfectly placed punches that had him looking for a way out early. And McDonald was kind enough to offer that way out, via Soto’s consciousness. Turns out, there wasn’t a mountain high enough, a valley low enough, or a river wide enough to keep McDonald from getting to Soto, and a series of particularly brutal uppercuts later sealed the deal. The end came just 56 seconds into the first round. Soto is more than likely still dusting out the cobwebs to this day, whereas Michael McDonald has taken up a career singing backup vocals for everyday conversations.

#5 – Kyle Bradley

Who he drew: Veteran slugger/Fighter’s fighter Chris “Light’s Out” Lytle at UFC 81

How it went down: We’re not sure exactly what happened back stage at UFC 81, but somewhere between the locker room and the octagon, Chris Lytle became temporarily possessed by the devil, specifically the one from End of Days. As soon as the bell rang, Lytle started swingin’ on Bradley like he had knocked up his innocent little girl and refused to call her back. Bradley was helpless to the onslaught, and fell into what CP reader JUDOknowSHIT would label “crybaby fetal position”, awaiting a merciful end. When referee Yves Lavigne dived in to save him, Kyle was so grateful that he pulled Yves close to offer him an extra special hug for his intervention. That, or Bradley was so out of it that he believed Lavigne to be the man reigning down the unholy punishment upon him in the first place. Either or.

Chris Lytle received the Knockout of the Night bonus for his 33 second effort, and placed it on the wall in his house that has more awards on it than Dr. Dre’s has platinum records. Bradley was given a second chance, and was similarly demolished by Joe Lauzon, who handled him steadily before submitting him early in the second round. But the Lousiana native was able to bounce back, sort of, scoring the fifth most controversial stoppage victory of all time over TUF 8 runner-up Phillipe Nover at UFC 98. Most people probably forgot about Bradley’s last fight in the UFC, a unanimous decision loss to lightweight prospect Rafael Dos Anjos back in January of 2010. Kyle has only fought two times since then – a TKO loss to TUF 14 contestant Marcus Brimage and a submission win over the 4-18 Edwynn Jones.

#4 – Brad Morris

Who he drew: Future (and now former) heavyweight champion Cain Velasquez at UFC 83

How it went down: You gotta feel sorry for Brad Morris. Before Cain Velasquez even made his UFC debut, people were touting him as the next big thing in the division, and rightfully so. Morris, on the other hand, was a 10-2 product out of Australia that was basically being used as a stepping stone for the future champ. And it was evident from the get-go, as Velasquez not only appeared visibly more comfortable under the bright lights than Morris, but was clearly the superior fighter. Before Morris could even get a rhythm going, Velasquez treated him to a storm of punches that had the Aussie slipping and stumbling around the octagon like a dog in the flatbed of a pickup. Morris was put out of his misery in just over 2 minutes of the first round.

Likely out of guilt for feeding him to the wolves, the UFC gave Morris a chance to redeem himself at UFN 15, where he would take on tough veteran Jason Brilz. Unfortunately, Morris would again suffer a TKO loss, this time in the second round. Morris has also only fought twice since his time in the octagon, dropping a first round submission to UFC vet Sao Palelei and a second round submission to Tony Lopez.

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