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21 Humans Who Make Being Human Look Really, Really Hard

Cursed From Birth: The Six Worst Draws for a UFC Debut

#3 – Igor Zinovev 

Who he drew: Current (at the time) UFC light heavyweight champion Frank Shamrock at UFC 16

How it went down: The only thing worse then drawing a future champion for your UFC debut, is drawing the current champion. After putting together a 4-0-2 record, including a win over Vale Tudo/Shooto legend Enson Inoue, Igor Zinovev was somehow given the go ahead to challenge newly crowned champion Frank Shamrock in his debut. This would go down as a mistake of Bluthian proportions.

As you can see in the above video, Zinovev got off approximately zero punches before being driven into the mat with enough force to both render him unconscious and shatter his collarbone like a fuggin’ toothpick. Zinovev would never fight again, instead choosing to pursue a career in body-guarding, probably because he figured there was no way that he could be worse at protecting other people’s bodies than he was at protecting his own. Then, in 2006, he would pop up out of nowhere as coach of the IFL team The Chicago Red Bears, who went 4-11 in their time.

#2 – Andre Gusmao 

Who he drew: Future/current light heavyweight champion Jon Jones at UFC 87

How it went down: Unlike any other fighter on this list, Gusmao would not be granted the quick finish that would allow most of us to forget the fight ever happened. No, instead Gusmao would have to suffer through three rounds of Bones’ ridiculous, Youtube based striking attacks that would forever cement him in gif hell.

Luckily for Gusmao, Jones wasn’t exactly the polished mixed martial artist that he is today (in fact making his own UFC debut at the time), and most of his wild combinations found more air than anything. But that couldn’t hide the fact that Gusmao suffered one of the most humiliating and frustrating defeats in the entire history of sports. That is, of course, until we witnessed the NY Giants week 11 loss to the Philadelphia Eagles last year. Gusmao’s next octagon appearance would end in even more devastating fashion, as he would fall victim to a first round KO at the hands of Krzysztof Soszynski and earn his walking papers. Gusmao has fought just twice since (anyone seeing a pattern here?), most recently suffering a third round TKO loss to Tim Williams.

#1 – TIE: Rick Davis, Gabe Ruedigerand Waylon Lowe

Who they drew: ^This motherfucker, at UFC 60, 63, and UFC 114, respectively

How it went down: Quickly and violently. Only Ruediger would see the second round, to which we here at CP can only say “REALLY?!?”  But even worse than the defeats themselves would be the fallout for these gents. Ruediger would go on to become the laughing stock of The Ultimate Fighter 5, Paris Hilton’s personal trainer, and return to the UFC to suffer humiliating defeats to Joe Lauzon and Paul Taylor. But that was arguably better than Davis, who would never fight again and thereafter be forced to use photos and tattoos as a means of collecting his memories. And though Lowe would recover from his beating the best of the bunch, picking up wins in the UFC over Steve Lopez and Williamy Freire, he would never be able to take a breath from that day on without thinking of Guillard. Added to that, a submission loss to Nik Lentz at UFC Fight Night 24 would get him booted from the UFC, and therefore from our hearts, forevermore.

To be fair, Ronys Torres also drew Guillard for his UFC debut, but since he was able to walk away from the fight with neither a brain hemorrhage or collapsed lung, we’ll just consider him the exception that proves every rule. That rule being, if you draw Melvin Guillard as your UFC debut, then you were most likely Hitler, Stalin, or Sandusky in your past life, and this is karma’s cruel, yet just way of balancing the scales.

But there is a silver lining in that cloud of gray, for in your next life, you will most likely come back as a Brad Pitt, a Hugh Hefner, or a Guy Fieri, and all will be well in the world.

So there you have it, Potato Nation. Think there were some poor souls that we neglected to mention? Let us know in the comments section. 

-Danga 

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Kassuh- July 30, 2012 at 2:19 pm
Lucio Linhares deserves an honorable mention for sure. He drew Rousimar Palhares for his UFC debut (surprisingly lost by heel hook) and then had the chance to rebound by facing Yushin Okami (lost by doctor stoppage) before getting cut.
EmmaCay- March 28, 2012 at 12:56 pm
<a href="http://www.Extremely-fit.com">p90x workout program</a> had done wonders for my husband and myself. I really enjoy working out. I hope when we finish the program my husband will look more like this guy.
Griz8WhiteHYPE- November 29, 2011 at 11:37 am
didn't think it was possible, but this place is now worse than bleacher report.

you know what we need? more useless top X lists.

come to think of it, they don't have access to UFC press row either.
J3t- November 29, 2011 at 10:31 am
No doubt Jizzle. That other ninja is a bitch anyway, I called him out for a fight and he backed out so now he just tries to diss me, it's really cute. He's a nice pussy =) I think him and Karma musta really bonded at the soup kitchen this Thanksgiving
jizzninja- November 29, 2011 at 8:56 am
hey ninja vanish, there's only room for one ninja here so fuck off. kim couture is a cunt...awesome name.j3t, keep up the good work. Karma, well you already know where you stand
MoTropolis- November 28, 2011 at 9:53 pm
"Zinovev would never fight again, instead choosing to pursue a career in body-guarding, probably because he figured there was no way that he could be worse at protecting other people’s bodies than he was at protecting his own."...that sentence alone made this article worth the read, not to mention the time it took to log in and write this shit. ah fuck, a captcha...this is exactly why I retired to the forums...
Kim Couture is a cunt- November 28, 2011 at 9:22 pm
Hi five dang, keep up the cool, obscure MMA shit I would never know about. Again good read ; )
dranokills- November 28, 2011 at 9:13 pm
Better cover your love sausage Karma, it looks like J3T is trying to suck it.
DangadaDang- November 28, 2011 at 9:06 pm
^Fair enough. And don't get me wrong, Kim Couture truly is a cunt.
Kim Couture is a cunt- November 28, 2011 at 8:58 pm
Other than that, good read. I enjoyed the article.
Kim Couture is a cunt- November 28, 2011 at 8:56 pm
Listen bud. Kim Couture is a money grabbing cunt that still is making money off Randy not to mention tarnishing MMA every time she steps in an octagon or ring. Plus I have had this handle for 4 years and she has done nothing but prove I was right. THAT SAID, you referenced a mans DAUGHTER for one and a young lady that is pre-pubescent. It was in bad taste and ignorant. Think about it if some some 2 bit hack wrote that about your daughter after you are one of the most respected dudes in the sport. That said bro, want to discuss this further PM me in the forums where I hang. You defending your self here is just gonna make you look worse.
DangadaDang- November 28, 2011 at 8:29 pm
^In what way was a harmless joke about his daughter ignorant? I am a HUGE Lytle fan, and said that he was whooping a dude's ass LIKE he had done something to his daughter. And considering your user name, I think your calling the kettle black.
Kim Couture is a cunt- November 28, 2011 at 7:15 pm
The comment about Lytles daughter was ignorant and I hope Lutle gives you a slap one day.
KarmaAteMyCat- November 28, 2011 at 6:33 pm
hey Danga loves the article just refering to J3T in my previous comment.
Rampages Conscience- November 28, 2011 at 6:25 pm
Good article, Danga. The comment section is really filling up with douchebags.
rpn452- November 28, 2011 at 4:01 pm
Of all these, I think I felt the most sorry for Rick Davis. You knew he was going to get badly KO'd just by looking at his haircut.
DangadaDang- November 28, 2011 at 3:39 pm
Come on Karma, you're gunna tell me that the whole barber shop scenario didn't even give you a chuckle?
KarmaAteMyCat- November 28, 2011 at 3:09 pm
What I wouldn't give for someone to ghost write you some new lines.
NinjaVanish- November 28, 2011 at 3:09 pm
J3t is the Dan Quinn of CP, a loud mouthed ignorant sheep only fit for message boards and youtube videos. Still talking shit about people's fighting ability then ducking them when they want you to put it on the line? Looks to be the case.

Melvin always gets guys making their promotional debut to fight, which sucks because he has like 35 pro fights and he is still fighting guys with half that many. When he loses to actually legit competition, the ufc feeds him 2 or 3 noobs then starts hyping him. He'll never be a contender, especially when he accuses people of drug use then himself drops dirty for coooccaaaaiiinnneeee.
skeletor- November 28, 2011 at 2:27 pm
Only Danga could take an article with a good premise and turn it this shitty.
.
Please quit trying and just go somewhere else Danga.
MKO- November 28, 2011 at 1:33 pm
Also, this:
a heavyweight feature that shouldn’t have even been approved by the athletic commission
DangadaDang- November 28, 2011 at 1:31 pm
@MKO
He was actually one of the first people that came to mind when I started writing this. I decided not to include him because like you said, he beat that ass.
MKO- November 28, 2011 at 1:29 pm
Despite beating his ass, JDS deserves a mention for having to face Werdum

If memory serves right, I remember the liveblog saying something to the effect of "and he's walking out with Big Nog. At least someone knows who he is----HOLYSHIT!!"
WuTangClan- November 28, 2011 at 1:08 pm
Stop fucking saying "respectively" when you mention multiple UFC cards.
peacexxl- November 28, 2011 at 1:04 pm
So now where is the article on UFC vets who were being fed some chump newcomer? Spoiler alert: #1. Chris Leben
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