#3 – Igor Zinovev 

Who he drew: Current (at the time) UFC light heavyweight champion Frank Shamrock at UFC 16

How it went down: The only thing worse then drawing a future champion for your UFC debut, is drawing the current champion. After putting together a 4-0-2 record, including a win over Vale Tudo/Shooto legend Enson Inoue, Igor Zinovev was somehow given the go ahead to challenge newly crowned champion Frank Shamrock in his debut. This would go down as a mistake of Bluthian proportions.

As you can see in the above video, Zinovev got off approximately zero punches before being driven into the mat with enough force to both render him unconscious and shatter his collarbone like a fuggin’ toothpick. Zinovev would never fight again, instead choosing to pursue a career in body-guarding, probably because he figured there was no way that he could be worse at protecting other people’s bodies than he was at protecting his own. Then, in 2006, he would pop up out of nowhere as coach of the IFL team The Chicago Red Bears, who went 4-11 in their time.

#2 – Andre Gusmao 

Who he drew: Future/current light heavyweight champion Jon Jones at UFC 87

How it went down: Unlike any other fighter on this list, Gusmao would not be granted the quick finish that would allow most of us to forget the fight ever happened. No, instead Gusmao would have to suffer through three rounds of Bones’ ridiculous, Youtube based striking attacks that would forever cement him in gif hell.

Luckily for Gusmao, Jones wasn’t exactly the polished mixed martial artist that he is today (in fact making his own UFC debut at the time), and most of his wild combinations found more air than anything. But that couldn’t hide the fact that Gusmao suffered one of the most humiliating and frustrating defeats in the entire history of sports. That is, of course, until we witnessed the NY Giants week 11 loss to the Philadelphia Eagles last year. Gusmao’s next octagon appearance would end in even more devastating fashion, as he would fall victim to a first round KO at the hands of Krzysztof Soszynski and earn his walking papers. Gusmao has fought just twice since (anyone seeing a pattern here?), most recently suffering a third round TKO loss to Tim Williams.

#1 – TIE: Rick Davis, Gabe Ruediger, and Waylon Lowe

Who they drew: ^This motherfucker, at UFC 60, 63, and UFC 114, respectively

How it went down: Quickly and violently. Only Ruediger would see the second round, to which we here at CP can only say “REALLY?!?”  But even worse than the defeats themselves would be the fallout for these gents. Ruediger would go on to become the laughing stock of The Ultimate Fighter 5, Paris Hilton’s personal trainer, and return to the UFC to suffer humiliating defeats to Joe Lauzon and Paul Taylor. But that was arguably better than Davis, who would never fight again and thereafter be forced to use photos and tattoos as a means of collecting his memories. And though Lowe would recover from his beating the best of the bunch, picking up wins in the UFC over Steve Lopez and Williamy Freire, he would never be able to take a breath from that day on without thinking of Guillard. Added to that, a submission loss to Nik Lentz at UFC Fight Night 24 would get him booted from the UFC, and therefore from our hearts, forevermore.

To be fair, Ronys Torres also drew Guillard for his UFC debut, but since he was able to walk away from the fight with neither a brain hemorrhage or collapsed lung, we’ll just consider him the exception that proves every rule. That rule being, if you draw Melvin Guillard as your UFC debut, then you were most likely Hitler, Stalin, or Sandusky in your past life, and this is karma’s cruel, yet just way of balancing the scales.

But there is a silver lining in that cloud of gray, for in your next life, you will most likely come back as a Brad Pitt, a Hugh Hefner, or a Guy Fieri, and all will be well in the world.

So there you have it, Potato Nation. Think there were some poor souls that we neglected to mention? Let us know in the comments section. 

-Danga 

< previous page