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Lulz of the Day: Mayhem Miller Calls C.B. Dollaway a “Fart-Face,” Promises to “Send Him Packing” at UFC 146

(A class act since the day he was born, Dolloway always takes time out of his day to pose for photos with his adoring fans.) 

When I first came across this tidbit of hilarity that Jason Miller told during a recent interview, I considering starting this article with some hackneyed statement like “You gotta love Jason Miller,” or “Leave it to Mayhem to-insert stupid sentence here.” But then I paused for a moment, and decided to rewatch his match with Michael Bisping at the TUF 14 Finale. When it was airing live, I happened to be in staying in Boston at a friend’s house, and missed the fight due to an intensely heated game of beer pong that followed an Animals as Leaders concert we had just attended.

After the game had finished, I quickly shuffled into the living room, wide eyed and silently praying to be greeted by the image of Bisping’s unconscious, purple face. But I was too late. The broadcast had ended. I turned to another buddy of mine, and like a coma patient (or a victim of an H-bomb) being awoken for the first time, I found myself asking, “What happened?” He looked up at me, bitter disappointment in his eyes, and said, “I’m not really sure, but it was really sad. Like watching a rabbit die in slow motion.”

The point is, after talking up such a storm and subsequently getting his ass taken to the cleaners by “The Count,” Miller has more than likely earned the ire of at least a few dozen of you. Kind of like that poor Danga bastard. And once again, it’s do or die time for Mayhem, and here he is, falling back on his old habits. I’m not trying to sound negative, because I think the guy is a pretty entertaining fellow. I just wonder if he’s going to regret saying things like this again:

I just look at who he’s fought in the past, and I look at — you know — I look at who he’s fought in the past, and how I match up with them, and I know that… this should be an easy night for me. On top of that, I trained my ass off. I’m not gonna make this a personal thing with the guy, but at the same time, I’m not gonna pretend to respect him.

There’s a stark contrast between me and him. You can see that I’m mentally tough, and I’m a bit of a masochist, so I’ll take the abuse, and go through it. When the going gets tough, this guy quits, and I’m gonna make him quit. I’m going to knock his fart-face off, and I’m going to send him packing. There’s no way around it.

Ah fuck it, I’m back on the bandwagon. This statement is awesome for two reasons, the first being that it may be the first time since elementary school that I’ve heard the term “fart-face” used by anybody. The other reason it tickles my funny bone is because, more or less, Miller talks like he’s going to knock C.B. Dollaway out. Considering how horrendous his striking looked against Bisping, and I do mean horrendous, making a statement like that is the best bit of trolling I’ve seen since….well, yesterday. It’s like claiming you will pull off a Kickflip Mctwist in Tony Hawk Pro Skater after biffing a 50-50 grind down a common handrail.

If Dollaway’s previous fights have taught us anything, it’s that he’s got a pretty decent offensive ground game (ask Joe Doerksen or Jesse Taylor) but seems to be lacking defensively (ask Amir Sadollah. Also, Amir Sadollah.). So by, “knock his fart-face off,” I imagine Miller means something more like, “grapple with him until I get ahold of his douchey neck,” but I could be wrong. In either case, you gotta imagine we’re looking a loser-leaves-town matchup, which always adds interest to an otherwise mediocre fight. Miller was lucky to even get a second chance after his aforementioned crash-and burn against Bisping, and has stated himself that he will retire if he loses to Dollaway, who has dropped his past two fights to Mark Munoz and Jared Hamman, and is probable to get the boot with a loss as well.

But I’ll give Miller this, the man owns up to his words, even when they threaten to choke him. When asked about his loss to Bisping, Miller was incredibly genuine and frank when assessing his performance.

Nobody cares about your excuses. The point is get in there and do it right, you know? I threw that fight away, and it was my fault. I’m not going to cry about it — I’m going to look forward, and win the fight on the 26th.

Everybody likes to kick a guy when he’s down, but I don’t give a damn. If I’m man enough to stand in front of my mom and the rest of the world and get my ass kicked, I think I’m strong enough to take some criticism from a guy who never laced on some gloves.

I told (Dana) if I put on a show like that again, I’m quitting. That was ridiculous. That wasn’t me out there; that wasn’t me. I threw that fight away, and so it’s up to me to go ahead and really make a statement on the 26th. The best thing that ever happened to me is me getting beat up by Michael Bisping because I’ve approached my entire career in a completely different light.

Let’s hope so, because Miller seems like a decent enough person in my eyes, and I’d hate to see his UFC hopes and dreams dashed before he can even get a win under his belt. I also just don’t want to see him fall back on Bully Beatdown again if he gets ousted, because that show is fucking garbage.

So what do you think, Potato Nation? Will we be seeing the last of Mayhem in the UFC come May 26th, or will Launchpad McQuack pilot his final mission?

-J. Jones

Cagepotato Comments

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linzhancf- May 20, 2012 at 9:25 am
Cornerman- May 19, 2012 at 12:46 am
Ballchinian is -187
enrikk- May 19, 2012 at 12:19 am
I don't see why so many people hate on Bully Beatdown. Watching Shogun Rua get destroyed by Jon Jones was heartbreaking to a lot of MMA fans (myself included), but if we could watch Jon Jones do the same to Michael Bisping every day, Jon Jones would have more fans than Greg Jackson could ever dream of. The reason everyone wanted to watch Bisping lose against Miller in the first place is because Bisping deserves to get smashed every day of his life for being such a fucking tool (it just doesn't usually happen because the guy can actually defend himself in a cage). So why not enjoy watching another d-bag get obliterated by someone whom he has no chance of defending himself against?
linzhance- May 18, 2012 at 10:13 pm ....
1Jackal- May 18, 2012 at 7:58 pm
Dark wing duck is a combination of cbs upper lip and fabers ball chin. so this is what their love child would look like..
Mr_Misanthropy- May 18, 2012 at 7:49 pm
The all-new Mayhem Miller better not come out like some kind of weiny-ass bitchwad. All of the high paying Japanese can-crushing competitions have apparently went tits up and nobody likes dookie face fart suckers who wear skirts and sniff dog ass in the U S of A. Miller by perple nerple.
Fried Taco- May 18, 2012 at 2:02 pm
CB is going to empty his douche-bag on Miller, and then Bully Beatdown will be canceled because all the bullies will opt to fight Miller and kick his ass.
Goat- May 18, 2012 at 1:38 pm
Miller via controversial Split Decision.