Most Insanely Dangerous Combat Sports Ever Invented
Over the past two decades, Mixed Martial Arts has evolved from a no-holds-barred freak show to a heavily regulated, network television ready enterprise that is accepted by a large slice of the general public. But even with the sport’s modern improvements and safeguards, there are still detractors who contend that MMA is nothing more than low-bred street-fighting operating under the guise of an organized competition.
In honor of the upcoming DVD release of Arena — a truly insane modern-gladiator flick starring Samuel L. Jackson and Kellan Lutz — we thought we’d give the MMA critics some perspective by presenting a list of the most brutal and dangerous combat “sports” ever invented. From shock-fighting to bear-baiting, they defy logic, celebrate gratuitous violence, and remind us just how far the human race has come…
Irish Bare-Knuckle Boxing
(Tip of the day: Don’t ever fight pick a fight with anyone who requires subtitles in their own language.)
Irish/Gypsy/Traveller/pikey bare-knuckle fighting, or whatever you choose to call it, is the missing link between a pub brawl and the Marquess of Queensberry rules. Bare-knuckle fighting is unregulated and implicitly raw. While boxing is often described as “beautifully brutal,” bare-knuckle boxing is just brutal. There is no designated area in which a Gypsy fight occurs. Boxing has a square-ring, MMA has a cage — gypsy boxing simply has an abstract “space” that can include barn-doors, tractors, livestock, and fellow gypsies. And the sound of raw knuckle against skull is something that few people can get used to.
This style of underground street-fighting was most recently popularized by Internet sensation Kimbo Slice. Kevin Ferguson’s version of backyard brawling is a direct descendant of Irish bare-knuckle boxing, and the underlying concept has remained identical, right down to the lack of medical professionals on hand. The only discernible difference is that Kimbo staged some of his throw-downs in a boat-yard, thereby enabling himself to take his buddies out on the water after the ‘bows had been thrown.
“Dog Brothers” Stick Fighting
“The diversity of people that come to this is quite broad, but somehow they discover a commonality” asserts Marc “Crafty Dog” Denny, the narrator of the above documentary and original founder of the sport in 1995. May I propose certifiable insanity as the “commonality” to which he refers? (Denny’s grey lamb-chop sideburns do nothing to detract from this theory.)
The name “Dog Brothers” is a complete misnomer. We’re not talking about “man’s best friend” or fraternal love, here. We’re talking about dudes wearing metal helmets and carrying solid-wood sticks with the intent of doing maximum damage to each other. On the surface, this form of competitive chaos seems to be a glorified version of fencing, until you actually watch the action develop, at which point you realize that this is fully-fledged MMA with the inclusion of wooden batons.
One of the many curious elements to be discovered on the official Dog Brothers website is a letter received by Marc Denny in May 1995 from the now-defunct WOW* promotions company in which Arthur Davie (co-founder of the UFC) writes “this stickfighting is just too extreme for the UFC format at this time,” and that “Perhaps like the UFC your type of fighting is just ahead of its time.” Fortunately, stick-fighting still remains “ahead of its time” in terms of public acceptance — which gives it a lot in common with Art Davie’s latest attempt at inventing a combat sport…
* This was the original acronym (“War of the Worlds“) intended for the UFC promotion.
X-ARM
When you compete in this bastardized permutation of arm wrestling, you’re not just risking life and limb — your integrity, social status, and pride are at risk as well. On one hand, X-ARM was inevitable since we have virtually exhausted all ideas for new sports. On the other hand, what the f*ck? It’s like Over the Top meets a hockey fight meets the knife fight in Michael Jackson’s “Beat It” video. I’d love to hear how Greg Jackson would approach this tactical minefield of a sport.
Art Davie proudly proclaims that X-ARM is “a combination of mixed martial arts and mayhem,” an equation which would preferably yield Jason Miller. How can a man involved in masterminding and pioneering the UFC later conceive of extreme arm-wrestling as a feasible combat sport? The only plausible explanation is that somewhere between 1993 and 2008, Davie went back to college and became a massive pothead. Though, even most stoners would realize the morning after the night before that they were clutching at straws with this one.
Bear-Baiting
This list wouldn’t be complete without the inclusion of at least one sport that bears witness (no pun intended) to man’s age-old fascination with pitting himself against the beast. Of course, man usually gave himself numerous advantages like weapons and armor, while the animal’s natural prowess was often significantly curtailed beforehand. So, as with any bout featuring Floyd Mayweather, we may be rooting for his outmatched adversary, but we already know the inevitable outcome.
Ancient ritual contests such as bear-baiting, described as “a blood sport involving the tormenting of bears,” have progressively been re-shaped to favour the human. After all, modern man was always going to increasingly stack the odds in his favour; that’s our cerebral instinct at play. So, whereas in 16th century Russia when man would nobly compete against his furry foe on relatively even terms, humans later removed themselves from the equation entirely, and instead set vicious dogs upon defenseless bears.
Honorable mention: Though Man vs. Animal contests have largely become a thing of humanity’s dirtier past, bullfighting remains deeply ingrained within the cultural fabric of Spanish society. An annual event that illustrates an even lower regard for human life is the Pamplona “Running of the Bulls,” which draws hundreds upon thousands of foolhardy participants — and has resulted in 16 fatalities since 1910, most recently a 31-year old American named Aleks Merilo.
Combaton
Conceived and patented in 1998 by Steve Blanton, Combaton only began to gather momentum once David Turnbull (a prominent Floridian martial arts guru) became proactively involved in 2004. This fusion of martial arts and American Football is confusing to say the least. Let’s run down the rules, via the official website:
“The shooter can kick the goal (the same size and shape of the baton) and dislodge it from its mount to score points. Standing kicks are 3 points, jumping kicks are 4 points and 360 degree spin kicks are 5 points.” Exhibitionists such as Anderson Silva or Jon Jones would thrive under this scoring system that rewards flamboyance.
“Foul: Excessive celebration or showboating.” However, as with any party-pooping sports governing body, the Combaton rule-makers have ensured that the post-score festivities cannot be in keeping with the flashy combatoning that precedes it.
“The target areas for striking an opponent are the front and sides of the torso and front and sides of the head for kicking, and punching can only be to the torso areas.” The torso technically encompasses the pelvic region, which houses the reproductive organs, hence suggesting a surefire way to stop an opponent dead in his tracks.
“Players must be ready to defend themselves at all times while on the field because any player can attack any opponent at any time.” You know who would love this game? Japanese kamikaze pilots.
“If shooter begins to get up and has lifted a hand or arm off the ground, then they can be kicked by a defensive player.” Also known as “Las Vegas Rules.”
UFC (pre-Unified Rules)
Since its inception in 1993, the Ultimate Fighting Championship, has fought tooth and nail (literally, as far as Teila Tuli was concerned) for mainstream acceptance. The sport could have languished in the dark ages if it retained its original unregulated format, but along came Uncle Dana and the Brothers Fertitta to legitimize mixed martial arts and bring unconsciousness to the consciousness of the masses.
The initial rules (or lack thereof) prompted prominent politicians such as John McCain to label the sport “human cockfighting.” Combatants were yanking hair, pounding testicles, soccer-kicking skulls and whatever other miscellaneous acts of violence befitted the moment. In fact, in 1993, the UFC was essentially Brazilian-style “Vale Tudo,” in which the only prohibited actions were eye-gouging and biting. “Small-joint manipulation” was not specifically forbidden, which means Nick Diaz would have been in his element back then as well. (Although he usually prefers large joints.)
If you think today’s MMA is dangerous, try doing it with no gloves, no time limits, and no judges, facing up to three opponents in one night. (Or four. Or five.) We’re lucky that nobody actually died in the UFC’s early Wild West days, or you wouldn’t even be reading this right now.
Shock Fights
Some activities are so preposterous and so life-threatening, that not even the kooky cast of Jackass would endorse them. Shock Fights is pretty much what it sounds like. The fighters’ gloves are equipped with tasers designed for “neuromuscular incapacitation.” So in this case, the old adage of “Don’t try this at home” may as well be abbreviated to simply “Don’t try this.”
Mentioning this travesty in the same breath as MMA disgraces the noble arts. I mean, for starters, where’s the respect? I direct you to the beginning of the fight. There’s no touching of the gloves to signal a mutual appreciation for the honor which underpins the sport. Having said that, who cares about honor if it involves eating extra volts?
In fact, the entire sport encourages a non-tactile approach from all parties involved. If I’m the cornerman, I’m going to want to avoid wrapping or unwrapping my fighter’s hands. If I’m Shock Fights’ equivalent of Stitch Duran, my glove-check isn’t going to be as meticulous as the fighters step into the “Duracell Prep-Point.” If I’m the ref, I’m going to simply point at the victor, rather than physically raise his hand and risk a heart attack.
And why not go whole hog with the electricity angle? Hosting the matches in an electrified cage would certainly discourage “wall and stall,” and as another form of incentive, whichever fighter loses a round should have to “rest” on an electric chair in between stanzas instead of the standard stool. Face it, if they’re not going to approach the enterprise with the commitment and showmanship of Dynamo from Running Man, we’re better off sticking to Extreme Ironing.