Steroids in MMA
Which MMA Fighter Will Test Positive For Steroids Next?

The Digital Sensei: Steven Seagal Will Disclose Secrets to Victory to Lyoto Machida Via Skype

“I got three of Richie’s guys breathing through their foreheads ova he-ya, so allow me be brief…”

Behind the scenes information and rampant speculation in the lead-up to a fight is the MMA equivalent of chicks gossiping in a powder room. It’s, like, totally fun, but when you start to base your investment portfolio around it or develop an eating disorder you know you’ve crossed the line. At least, that’s usually the case. The scoop we’re about to share with you is as solid as they come, so take advantage of this opportunity to change your fight picks and spray a bottle of Cool Whip directly into your throat.

Earlier this week, Light-Heavyweight challenger Lyoto Machida revealed that he had not been in communication with Black House’s not-so-secret weapon, Steven Seagal, during his training camp. Considering that his devastating knock out victory over Randy Couture was directly attributable (cough) to the action film star, it seemed odd that he wouldn’t turn to him for guidance while training for the fight of his life.

Have no fear, Dragon fans. As it turns out, Jon Jones‘ weaknesses are so glaring that they can be pointed out and easily exploited after a brief, last-minute teleconference. Who knew? Oh yeah, Seagal did.

In an interview with the Toronto Sun, the Akido black belt said that while he may not make it out to the Air Canada Centre, he’ll be in touch with Machida via Skype. Quoth the “Lawman”:

“I think Lyoto is a better puncher, a better kicker and he really moves better than Jon. I see some things Jon does that I think can be exploited, and I’m going to go over those things with Lyoto. In my opinion Lyoto is probably the best striker in the business. I’m not saying he hits harder than Junior Dos Santos or someone like that, but his speed, his timing and his accuracy are very good.”

Of course Machida is only one half of the equation this evening. What does Seagal think of the young champ?

“He’s a great fighter, but do I think he’s a great puncher and kicker? Absolutely not. He’s just very big and very strong and he’s a very good wrestler.”

Wrestling: it really fucks your face up.

So there you have it. Run with that information, make your predictions below, complain that we’re talking about Seagal again…basically, just do what you do, people.

Cagepotato Comments

Showing 1-25 of comments

Sort by : Show hidden comments
RSparrow- December 10, 2011 at 3:38 pm
How about a ban on Xeno with his damn "GRINNING"? I'll bet the house that you have duct tape in your trunk. You crazy crazy bastard.
When Machida gets wrecked, Seagal is gonna say it's because he refused to Skype with him. Seagal you never competed in this sport, though you have credentials, you're words are no better than a die hard fan that trains. They don't need you. Quit being the little kid at the birthday party that helps blow the candles out when it's not even your birthday.
XENOPHON- December 10, 2011 at 3:10 pm
dranokills Says:

Sat, 12/10/11 - 08:34

If Seagal says so, it is good enough for me.
For once, this fucking bonehead and I finally agree on something important. GRIN
Buster Hyman- December 10, 2011 at 1:24 pm
machida by side check kick. has a celebratory gulp of his own urine straight from the source in the middle of the octagon. joe rogan joins in for a sip himself during the post fight interview. meanwhile brittany palmer aborts my baby in the dumpster outside the arena. she needs a jacket because its cold as fuck in canada.

count it.
mmaandrew34- December 10, 2011 at 12:01 pm
@crazy croat. and how effective is aikido? that's right not effective at all. you've never seen an aikido guy win a real fight simply because it's never happened
ThePeoplesTroll- December 10, 2011 at 12:01 pm
lets go machida! if he doesn't stop jones i doubt evans or hendo can.
Joedirt- December 10, 2011 at 11:49 am
for real though.. I hope Chael brings judo Gene with him in his corner for the rematch... that would be epic.
Crazy Croat- December 10, 2011 at 11:48 am
people are underestimating and mocking at seagal yet they forger that he's 8th dan aikido...only 2 living persons have 10 dan
Joedirt- December 10, 2011 at 11:48 am
Seagal has taken the title of "MMA's biggest douche" when things go well he tries to take the credit... I want to see if he takes the heat when things go bad.
Kimbos Bread- December 10, 2011 at 11:36 am
I saw a video of many many mentally handicapped Asian dudes hurl their bodies at Seagal and he tossed them around like rag dolls.

Machida via pool ball in a bar towel.
skeletor- December 10, 2011 at 11:28 am
@joesonsballs - I've seen that documentary , pretty solid.
ThePeoplesTroll- December 10, 2011 at 11:23 am
Kinda like how your chirping seagal who would absolutely dust you in a real fight in less than 25 seconds
mmaandrew34- December 10, 2011 at 10:50 am
I'm really getting tired of this guy trolling the mma world. the thing is he doesn't even know hes trolling he is being 100% serious which makes me want to kick his ass.
RearNakedSpoon- December 10, 2011 at 10:48 am
Is this the first time Seagal has declared his influence BEFORE a fight takes place?
jizzninja- December 10, 2011 at 10:27 am
nothing that a quick swig of urine won't fix
BryanF- December 10, 2011 at 10:10 am
Also in the speculated rumor alert, Sherdog is reporting that Lyoto is suffering from a cold, flu, or even worse, pneumonia. They're saying he hasn't left his hotel room since the weigh-ins.
joe sons balls- December 10, 2011 at 9:26 am
if you have netflix check out 'out for a kill'. its fucking incredible, youll thank me for it.
skeletor- December 10, 2011 at 9:23 am
well thats it I'm putting a grand down on Machida. The guy might be a world class douche bag, but he did vicariously win two fights by crane kick, just sayin.
jizzninja- December 10, 2011 at 9:06 am
lyoto via billiard ball in tshirt.
edhedicus- December 10, 2011 at 8:52 am
Bones Jones by front kick to the grill.... Then he will say something like "He thought he could fly.... he couldn't" or "I'll be back" or "Yippe Kai Ya mother fucker"....
Chonde- December 10, 2011 at 8:48 am
Segal is such a joke. I want to ban articles about him from CP like we did years ago with Tito. If he gains his sanity back and lets real fighters do their jobs without interfering or taking credit, invite him back to CP. Just my opinion.
dranokills- December 10, 2011 at 8:34 am
If Seagal says so, it is good enough for me.
twan- December 10, 2011 at 8:33 am
Fuck you and die. You can take that to the bank