("Please, Dan, I used to fuck guys like you in prison. Coincidentally, I used to fuck guys like you before I went to prison. The guys I fucked after I got out of prison were different from you in certain fundamental ways, but I don’t have time to get into that right now." Photo courtesy of the UFC 111: Weigh In Pics gallery on CombatLifestyle.com.)

Armpit of America? No, ladies and gentlemen, tonight New Jersey will be super classy. UFC 111 is now underway at Newark’s Prudential Center, and will culminate in two thrilling title fights: Heavyweights Frank Mir and Shane Carwin do battle for a make-believe belt, and welterweight king Georges St. Pierre tries to avoid a shock upset against massive underdog/red-eyed freak Dan Hardy. Live UFC 111 results from the Spike TV prelims and pay-per-view broadcast are after the jump; refresh the page every few minutes for all the latest.


And the prelims are live, homey. Don’t be scared.

Ricardo Almeida vs. Matt Brown
They should have retitled this event "New Jersey vs. The World." Almeida is reppin’ the Garden State in this contest. Dan Miragliotta gets a callback as referee because he’s from Jersey too, but the crowd already boos his incompetent gorilla ass.

Round 1: Almeida clinches quickly and pushes Brown against the fence. He trips Brown to the mat. Brown gets to one foot, but Almeida trips him back down and latches on. Brown gets up and tries to separate. He throws some knees into Almeida’s legs, and Almeida returns with punches from the clinch. The ref separates them after a brief stalemate. Almeida shoots in again and they’re back against the fence. The crowd howls in disappointment. Brown sneaks in a knee to Almeida’s dome as he tries to get out, but Almeida is not letting go. Damn, Big Dog, this is not fighting. Dirty boxing from Almeida. Almeida botches a leg trip takedown, and Brown almost takes his back. Almeida fires some punches at the bell. 10-9 Almeida, but it was ugly as hell.

Round 2: Brown darts in. He throws a leg kick, then another which is caught by Almeida. Almeida takes him down, but Brown scoots to the cage and gets up. Almeida takes Brown down and throws down some punches before Brown springs back up again. More Wall ‘n’ Stall from Almeida. Dan breaks ‘em. Almeida catches a kick and punches Brown in the face, then takes him to the ground. Almeida takes Brown’s back. Brown gets up with Almeida latched on him. Almeida sets up a body triangle on Brown’s back. He works for the rear-naked choke and finishes it.
Almeida def. Brown via submission (rear-naked choke), 3:30 of round 2

Hardy collects boos when he’s shown backstage. Come on guys, what did he ever do to you?

We get a little look at TUF 11, which premieres this Wednesday. Charley Lynch and Clayton McKinney are bros, but they have to fight each other. And that’s it. What? Who gives a fuck?

Nate Diaz vs. Rory Markham
When they introduced this fight as "Middleweight," I thought it was a typo at first. But no – because Markham botched his weight cut so badly, the fight was officially agreed to as a middleweight contest. Diaz looks a little soft at his new weight, but I’ll take "a little soft" over "painfully skinny" any day. Markham gets booed. It seems like this crowd is picking somebody to hate in each match. Your tatted-up referee is Keith Peterson.

Round 1: Diaz tags Markham with a left hand counter. He clinches, but Markham throws him off. Diaz landing some great punches to open up the bout, beating Markham to the shots and dodging Rory’s. He pours on some strikes that drop Markham, then takes his back. Markham is cut under his left eye. Diaz fires some punches into the side of Markham’s head from the top. Markham turtles and the ref stops it. Total domination. Markham was never, ever in that fight.
Nate Diaz def. Rory Markham via TKO, 2:47 of round 1

Nate shouts out his brother Nick as the "greatest fighter in the world." He gives mad love to Cesar Gracie, Jake Shields, Gilbert Melendez, his brother again…Dana can’t be loving all the Strikeforce love.

LMFAO @ Hardy doing the backstage interview with the red contacts.

It should go without saying, but Markham is getting fired tonight, guaranteed. Two straight first-round losses + missing weight by 7 pounds + nobody really cares about you in the first place = You’d better hope they’re hiring at Smoothie King.

They show Palhares vs. Drwal from earlier in the night. Drwal slips to the mat while throwing a teep, Palhares jumps on him and sets up a leg lock. Drwal taps, and starts screaming. Palhares held on for a little too long after the tap, and Drwal’s leg might be seriously screwed up. He finally hobbles off under his own power. Rogan doesn’t like it, and asks Palhares about it in the post-fight. Palhares apologizes, and says he was just waiting for the ref to stop him. Palhares def. Drwal via submission (leglock), 0:45 of round 1.

PPV time. Up first…

Jim Miller vs. Mark Bocek
Miller is a Garden Stater. Both guys are riding three-fight win streaks. Bocek vows to be the first guy to finish Miller. Wisely, Miller comes out to the ‘Sopranos’ theme song.

Round 1: Both guys try out their jab. Bocek lands a hard right, then shoots, pushing Miller against the fence. Miller has his arm around Bocek’s neck. He drops for a guillotine, but Bocek slips out. Bocek tries for a guillotine of his own, but Miller defends and they’re back on their feet, throwing knees in the clinch. They separate. Leg kick Miller, body kick Bocek. Bocek slips in another right, then shoots and slams Miller to the mat. Miller working some rubber guard and almost sets up a gogoplata, but Miller dodges it. Bocek in half-guard. Miller sets up a kimura from the bottom, and uses it to sweep Bocek on his back. Bocek looked like he really wanted to tap. Miller in Bocek’s guard. He gets some distance and throws down a hard elbow. The round ends. I’ll give it to Miller 10-9 for nearly ending the fight.

Round 2: Bocek gets a takedown early and sets up in half guard. Miller throws an elbow from his back. Bocek is leaking blood out of his forehead. Miller bucks and tries for a leglock, but Bocek rolls out of danger. Bocek gets back on top, then transitions to Miller’s back. He secures the body triangle, and has one of Miller’s arms trapped with his leg. Bocek working for the RNC. Miller doing his best to protect his neck with one arm. Bocek tries to turn Miller over and finish it, but Miller stand up and slams down. He’s not going easily. The round ends after a minute-long show of guts and heart from Miller. His cornermen are freakin’ amped.

Round 3: This round may decide the fight. Right uppercut from Miller. Leg kick Miller. Bocek shoots, Miller sprawls. They feel each other out with punches. Bocek shoots again and they jockey against the fence. Miller has an arm around Bocek’s head, and drives a knee up into Bocek’s grill. Miller trying to avoid being taken down at the end of the fight. Bocek has one leg, and tosses Miller down, but Miller pops up. Bocek still working for the takedown. He finishes a single-leg, and Miller rolls to his knees. He escapes and jumps onto Bocek’s back as the round ends. Very even round to close things out…
Jim Miller def. Mark Bocek via unanimous decision (29-28 x 3)

Jon Fitch vs. Ben Saunders
Quite an opportunity for Saunders here. "Big Orange" Dan Miragliotta is holding it down again. Fitch chews his mouthpiece.

Round 1: They clinch and start throwing knees, before landing against the fence, Saunders on the outside. Fitch twists him around. Saunders shouts after a knee that was perhaps low, but keeps fighting. Fitch takes Saunders to the mat and starts working some punches and elbows. Saunders looks pretty stuck, pressed against the cage on his back. Saunders lands a punch from the bottom. Saunders tries to set up a triangle but Fitch doesn’t fall for it. More abuse from Fitch. Saunders lands an upkick. Shots to the body from Fitch, and there’s the bell. 10-9 Fitch, grinding as expected.

Round 2: Leg kick and high kick from Fitch. Saunders tries to come in for a clinch, and Fitch pops him in the face and grabs his body. They’re on the fence again, before Fitch lifts Saunders off the ground and slams him down. Fitch goes back to smashing from the top. Hard Elbows from Fitch. Saunders stuck again. The crowd boos the lopsided beating, and Miragliotta stands them up, to Joe Rogan’s great dismay. They clinch again. Fitch working some knees, then gets an arm around Saunders’s head before the round ends. Another round for Fitch.

Round 3: Straight right from Fitch. Fitch clinches momentairly before punching out. Leg kick Fitch. Fitch clinches and throws some knees. Saunders looking for a kimura, but loses it. Dan breaks ‘em again after a lull in the action. Fitch steamrolls forward with punches before grabbing onto Saunders against the fence once again. Fitch rolls to Saunders’s back, then goes back to knees in the clinch. Fitch punches Saunders down as Ben was kicking and gets on top. Fitch with a hard elbow, then more punches. Non-stop damage from Fitch, who really wants to break his decision streak, but probably won’t due to Saunders’s toughness. Nasty elbows from Fitch cut Saunders open as the fight ends. Fitch def. Saunders via unanimous decision (30-27 x 3) No time for a post-fight interview. The crowd doesn’t seem interested anyway.

Kurt Pellegrino vs. Fabricio Camoes
Once again, Mike Goldberg refers to Caol Uno as "Carl."

Round 1: Camoes shoots and works hard for a takedown. Pellegrino defends, but takes a knee in the gut. Camoes gets the fight to the mat with a slick little judo throw, then takes Pellegrino’s back. Pellegrino stands up, with Camoes latched on him. Camoes slips his arm under Pellegrino’s neck. Pellegrino jumps forward and drops Camoes directly on his head. Pellegrino escapes and takes Camoes’s back. Camoes escapes, moves to his back and almost locks in a triangle. Pellegrino resets in side-control. Camoes tries for a d’arce choke from the bottom but loses it. Pellegrino drops an elbow from the top. And another. Pellegrino tries some punches, then more elbows. There’s the round. Gotta give it to Pellegrino for the way it ended.

Round 2: The replay shows that Camoes’s neck should have broken when he was dropped on his head like that. Camoes shoots, Pellegrino stuffs. Pellegrino moves to Camoes’s back briefly, before they separate. Pellegrino lands a takedown and works his elbows. Pellegrino jumps to mount, and starts punching. Camoes tries to roll, then escapes to half guard. Pellegrino throwing down some light punches. Camoes tries to break free, but Pellegrino stuffs him against the fence. Camoes gets to his feet. Pellegrino with some knees before slamming Camoes back down. Pellegrino moves to Camoes’s back and sinks in the rear-naked choke. Camoes is tough, but not that tough.
Pellegrino def. Camoes via submission (rear-naked choke), 4:20 of round 2

Time for some muhfuckin’ belts to be on the line, son…

Frank Mir vs. Shane Carwin (for interim heavyweight title)
Mir is almost on a Fedor-level of stoic coming out to the cage. Dude is ice-cold. Lesnar is cageside, and gets booed as soon as he’s shown on the screens.

Round 1: They circle, measuring each other up. Mir comes in throwing, and Carwin ducks to shoot. Carwin pushes Mir back into the cage. Carwin throws some knees into Mir’s legs, then works some punches in the clinch. Knees and punches, alternating. It’s already the longest fight of Carwin’s career. Miragliotta breaks them. Mir lands a counterpunch as Carwin moves forward. Mir attacks with punches and they’re back against the fence. Carwin returns to his low knees. Carwin gets some space and starts jackhammering uppercuts into Frank’s face, dropping him. Carwin swarms with punches to Mir’s head. Mir tries to escape but Carwin stays on top and bashes until Mir loses consciousness.
Carwin def. Mir via KO, 3:48 of round 1
Shane Carwin gets a new belt and a date with Brock Lesnar. The replay shows that Carwin landed at least three point-blank punches to Mir’s head after he was clearly knocked out. Great job, Big Dan.

Uh oh, Brock’s in the cage. They shake hands then throw it to Lesnar. Brock says "it was a great fight, but he’s wearing a make-believe belt." Lesnar looks much larger than Carwin, though maybe it’s the lifts in his dress shoes.

They show the Palhares/Drwal fight again, and then a commercial for Kick Ass. WTF, am I watching Spike again? Anyway, the moment you’ve all been waiting for…

Georges St. Pierre vs. Dan Hardy (for welterweight title)
Hardy – who comes out to British punk rock, obviously – non-chalantly tosses his bandanna to a group of fans with a home-made Dan Hardy banner. Mixed boos for the champion. What won’t New Jersey boo? GSP’s walkout music is "Juicy" by Notorious B.I.G., which is a lot better than the French rap music I was expecting. Hardy gets his Billy Idol sneer on when St. Pierre enters the cage. He lip-syncs his introduction along with Bruce Buffer, and shouts "ENGLAND!!!"

Round 1: GSP throws a jab, and Hardy counters with a right hook. GSP shoots and gets his first takedown quite easily. (Before the 45 second mark, Fightpicker players.) GSP in half-guard, then moves to side control. Hardy tries to get to his feet, and GSP latches onto his back. Hardy twists out of the choke attempt, but GSP quickly slams him back down. GSP moves to mount. Hardy rolls as soon as GSP starts throwing down punches, and GSP takes Hardy’s back again. GSP snatches an armbar from the bottom, and somehow Hardy survives being totally stretched out, and escapes it. They’re back on their feet for a few seconds before the round ends. 10-9 St. Pierre.

Round 2: Rogan thinks Hardy’s arm is jacked up from that armbar. Hardy jabs. Both swing and miss. GSP shoots for a single and whips Hardy to the mat. The champ in side control. GSP elbows to the body, then the head. GSP tries to take Hardy’s back, but Hardy spins out and lands in GSP’s guard. GSP escapes to his feet. Side kick GSP. Hardy misses some punches. Leg kick GSP, then a right hand counter. Superman punch from GSP. GSP shoots and dumps Hardy on the ground. Another 10-9 round for St. Pierre.

Round 3: GSP with another easy takedown to kick off the third frame. Hardy punching from his back. GSP stands up in Hardy’s guard, slipping in shots where he can. A hard punch bounces Hardy’s head against the mat. GSP getting some distance and punishing Hardy. GSP in side control, working for a kimura. Hardy just lying there, catching his breath. GSP loses the armlock. Hardy spins out and gets to his feet for about a second before he’s back down again. The crowd boos the lack of standing and banging. GSP takes Dan Hardy’s back, but he’s too high for a choke. He uses a leg lock attempt to sweep Hardy back down as the round ends. The champ is pitching a shutout.

Round 4: GSP with another takedown and it’s back to the old grind. Again he’s on Hardy’s back. He throws a knee to Hardy’s body. Hardy scrambles but GSP sticks on him and is back in his guard, throwing down the occasional punch. GSP moves back to side control, punching to Hardy’s body. GSP grabs a kimura. It’s deep. Hardy is so close to tapping, but he is white-knuckling through it, and finally GSP loses his grip. GSP in half-guard. He spins for a leglock but runs out of time. 10-9 GSP. One more to go.

Round 5: Hardy jabs. They trade leg kicks. GSP lands a hard one and scores yet another takedown. Dan Hardy simply has no answer for St. Pierre’s shot. Hardy is latched onto GSP’s leg. GSP pulls out and takes the back. He throws a knee into Hardy’s side then pushes him back on the mat. GSP is in half-guard again, trying for another kimura. He doesn’t quite have enough leverage to finish it. Knees to the body from GSP. Another kimura attempt doesn’t pan out.  Hardy desperately throws elbows from his back. GSP slams Hardy back down when he starts struggling to his feet. He drops for a leg lock as the fight ends.
St. Pierre def. Hardy via unanimous decision (50-43, 50-44, 50-45)

St. Pierre says he’s not very happy with his performance, because he made some technical mistakes and couldn’t finish the fight. He apologizes to his fans, and gives it up to Dan Hardy, who "did a lot better than I did in my first title fight against Matt Hughes." Rogan asks Hardy how the hell he managed to survive the horrible-looking armbar and kimura. Hardy says there’s no quit in him and he doesn’t give up. "I don’t know the meaning of ‘tap’."

This Hamman/Wallace fight from the beginning of the night looks crazy, and will probably win Fight of the Night, but unlike Dan Hardy, I do know the meaning of "tap," and it’s time to bring this liveblog home. Thanks for keeping us company. Questions to sleep on: Is there anything left for GSP at welterweight? Who will win the Lesnar/Carwin fight? Can Nate Diaz be a threat at 170? Results of the last two undercard fights to follow…

- Matt Riddle def. Greg Soto via disqualification (Riddle could not continue after illegal upkick), 1:30 of round 3

- Jared Hamman def. Rodney Wallace via unanimous decision (29-28 x 3)