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UFC 199 Aftermath: And the Meek Shall Inherit the Earth…

(“Ehh budday, do you like apples?” (*holds tongue*) “Well go f*ck yourself, apple.” via Getty.)

“If…you believe the son of God came down to earth 2,000 years ago, and he killed himself for our sins, and he can walk on water…if you can believe that, then you can believe that I can knock the f–k out of Luke Rockhold two weeks from Saturday.”

When Michael Bisping first uttered these words to Luke Thomas after being called up on two weeks notice to face rival Luke Rockhold at UFC 199, they actually made a lot of sense. Surely, we were just as likely to see a man walk on water as we were to see Michael Bisping defeat a man who had absolutely obliterated him less than two years ago in their first meeting. And until very recently, I’d sooner commit the ultimate sin than see Bisping, a man whose assholery we have mocked for years, claim the middleweight title from anyone.

The thing is, Bisping kind of won us over with in those two weeks leading up to last weekend’s event, as we’re sure he did many of you. His penchant for pre-pubescent insults accompanied by and/or preceding finger pointing worked in his favor against an arrogant dullard like Rockhold and, dare we say it, helped paint him as a cheeky and borderline likable underdog headed into the biggest fight of his storied career (and then reminded us of why we disliked him in the first place immediately thereafter).

But credit where credit is due, Bisping might actually have learned something from theass-whipping he suffered at the hands of Rockhold. Something beyond “immediately apologize after yelling faggot at a press conference,” we mean. He went on a three fight win streak after it, the longest of his career since 2011, and somehow managed to legitimately defeat Anderson Silva despite being knocked out by Anderson Silva. And at UFC 199, he not only turned the tables on Rockhold, but put a worse beating on him than Vitor Belfort on TRT did en route to becoming the first Brit to ever hold UFC gold.

Michael Bisping.

Is the middleweight champion.

I swear, that doesn’t look right no matter how many times I carve it into my leg.

Think Michael Bisping winning a title was the craziest thing that happened at UFC 199? THINK AGAIN, because in addition to a pair of insane fights being announced at the event, Dan Henderson done killed Hector Lombard with the most insane finish of his career: a head kick, followed by what can only be described as a “mosh pit elbow.” Just check out the violence in those fight-ending shots. I know I should probably be admonishing Hendo for being so willing to inflict heinous damage on a clearly unconscious opponent, but damn no those elbows were just bleed tap or snap FACE THE PAIN NO ESCAPE CANYOUSTEPTOTHIS awesome.

If Henderson’s post-fight press conference appearance is to be believed, it looks like we may very well have seen the last of the 45-year old that killed Fedor. I’d prefer to see him KO Bisping for the title and then retire, but so be it. At least he’ll be going out in the most Dan Henderson fashion possible (which is getting your ass kicked, then kicking the other guy’s ass worse BTW).

What else? Oh right, Dominick Cruz defeated Urijah Faber by unanimous decision, thanks in part to his superior movement and unpunchability. The two continued to do verbal at the post-fight press conference. Water wet.

Speaking of things that we take for granted, Max Holloway won another fight. His ninth in a row, actually, over quite possibly his toughest test yet in former title challenger Ricardo Lamas. The final exchange of the fight was some of the most badass, baller sh*t we have seen ssince Lawler vs. MacDonald. Give this man a shot once your featherweight champion is done running the show.

The full results for UFC 199 are below.

Main card
Michael Bisping def. Luke Rockhold via first-round KO (3:36)
Dominick Cruz def. Urijah Faber via unanimous decision
Max Holloway def. Ricardo Lamas via unanimous decision
Dan Henderson def. Hector Lombard via second-round KO (1:27)
Dustin Poirier vs. Bobby Green via first-round KO (2:53)

Brian Ortega def. Clay Guida via third-round KO (4:40)
Beneil Dariush def. James Vick via first-round KO (4:16)
Jessica Andrade def. Jessica Penne via second-round TKO (2:56)
Alex Caceres def. Cole Miller via unanimous decision
Sean Strickland def. Tom Breese via split decision
Luiz Henrique da Silva def. Jonathan Wilson via second-round TKO (4:11)
Kevin Casey vs. Elvis Mutapcic declared a split draw
Polo Reyes def. Dong Hyun Kim via third-round KO (1:52)

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