We know they say that being in prison can screw with a man’s head and we know it’s hard to believe that War Machine could say, do or write anything stranger than he already has, but let’s just say what you’re about to read will likely make you ask, “What the fuck is wrong with this guy?”
Nothing we can say about his latest big house blog will be any funnier than the tragic comedy-reality of the situation, so go see what kind of wackiness the fighter formerly known as Jon Koppenhaver got into recently in solitary.
A word of advice: Don’t read it on your lunch or dinner break at work.
Don’s say we didn’t warn you.
Fucking OW!!! I just “waxed” my asshole/crack with my thumb and index finger! LMAO! It took like 25 minutes and hurt like a mofo! Why did I subject myself to that? Simple, because I don’t know how men can be clean with ass hair!? On the streets, I use Veet or Nair cuz shaving gives me frickin’ ingrown hairs, ugly and painful. When you doodoo, 2 wipes then follow up with baby wipe, and clean as a whistle. Been doin’ so since I was 16. In here, fuckkk… I wipe and wipe and wipe, fucking ass hair is like a shit magnet! You ever seen a dog with shit clumped up in it’s ass hair? Yeah. Virtually impossible for a hairy assed man to wipe clean, I don’t care what you say or think, it is NOT clean! So long story short, I got sick of 22 wipes and still dooky-bootied, so I did what I did! All men need to follow my example, plus it feels BOMB to have your chick toss your salad and you’ll be surprised at a female’s willingness to do so when you have a perfectly smooth and clean ass! Just FYI, apply baby powder regularly or you’ll chafe hella bad.
Anyway, what’s up with this NFL lockout? Man, FUCK NFL, MLB, and NBA players and their whiny asses! Bunch of spoiled fucking pussies! They got it made! Even the least paid, bench warmer, lives comfortably and has health care and shit! Fucking MMA fighters and boxers put their asses on the line, FOR REAL, and don’t get shit in comparison. Only the top 1% live lavishly, the rest live fight to fight man, most don’t even have health insurance and the ones that do pay it themselves! Can’t stand spoiled people, ungreatful ones either. I remember growing up I had friends who always fought with their parents over dumb shit like curfew and keeping their rooms clean. Good fucking parents who cooked for them, bought them cars, did their laundry, loved them. There I was with drug addict mom and step dad and doing everything myself. I did my own laundry, cooked, cleaned… Shit, if I didn’t have discipline and goals I could have fucked school off and done as I pleased and never heard shit about it. I would’ve done anything to have their parents and there they were claiming to “hate” them. People don’t appreciate shit when it’s too easy, when they never have to go without.
Ohhh man! I’m in heaven today! For breakfast the trustee slid me a fat omelette: onion, bell peppers, and BACON! Fucking bomb! Then just now at lunch I got slid a fat thing of tuna with onion and jalapenos in it! Duuuude, you have no idea how good all that shit tastes after months of eating dogshit! Fuck, I hope they’re able to hook it up like that more often. Only the real “powerful” inmates really get goodies like that, I’m just lucking out cuz one of them recognized me and is a big UFC fan. Speaking of powerful inmates, ever since the AB dude left the “wood pile” has been in shambles. It really needs some leadership. Man, if this was my way of life, I could run shit easy. The Mexicans keep telling me I should boss up and take “the keys” but I don’t want any part of this shit. I’m just waiting to go home and put this stuff behind me. Yeah, some of the fools here have shanks but knives aren’t scary or effective enough, against someone like me, when you don’t have to worry about a sharp edge. You can only get hurt by a straight thrust and in the hole you don’t gotta worry about sneak attacks from behind cuz the only way to even be in contact with another inmate is if you “cell up” with them and become their celly. Then it’s a face to face battle, on on one. Alright enough of my fantasizing about becoming a prison warlord… haha! Shittt…
I read 5, 400+ page books in the past 12 days! Now I’m out of material again! Sucks, not sure what to do now. I’ve responded to all my mail, worked out, slept all that I can, jerked off til it hurt… lol… I need something to read! Man… this one O.G. Mexican dude from Oxnard just came by my cell and talked to me. He said he’s been doing this shit (jail/prison) since 1984! Said he used to look at his brother when he was growing up and think he was weak and “not about shit.” Said that now when he gets out and visits him and sees he has a house and car, family, etc. he “feels small.” Said he wasted so many years and opportunities for this bullshit gangster life, said too bad “I realized it too late.” Told me to learn from this year and don’t come back. Again, I see this repetitious theme, youngsters all fired up acting hard and proud and the “OG’s” saying it’s all bullshit and expressing deep regret. But everyone knows the young don’t listen to the old and that history repeats itself time and time again. The simple life is the way to go man, but ever since we left tribes and basic survival got too easy, and out of our thoughts, we’ve had too many distractions and lost sight of what really matters. How many bank robbers and drug dealers who are 60 and spent life in and out of prison, wish they could go back and have taken a lil’ 9-5 job instead? Lived life, enjoyed their friends, family and pets? My coach Baret Yoshida has the simple life down good. He never even drives, rarely leaves his neighborhood if it’s not to compete. He lives across from the gym in a lil’ apartment with his wife and turtle… lol. Walks to the gym to do what he loves: teach and train. Spends every day training, hanging out with his friends & students at the gym, with his wife at home. He’s content, doesn’t need or care about luxuries. He sets a perfect example for me, one I need to try and follow but I get distracted at times, trying to be a “cool guy.” If I had his discipline I’d probably be UFC Champion… if I change my life, maybe it’s not too late.
E-mail me at: sdsheriff.net
Jon Koppenhaver 10754342