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War Machine’s Big House Blogs Just Jumped the Shark, If That’s Even Possible

(War has really grown up in prison.)

We know they say that being in prison can screw with a man’s head and we know it’s hard to believe that War Machine could say, do or write anything stranger than he already has, but let’s just say what you’re about to read will likely make you ask, “What the fuck is wrong with this guy?”

Nothing we can say about his latest big house blog will be any funnier than the tragic comedy-reality of the situation, so go see what kind of wackiness the fighter formerly known as Jon Koppenhaver got into recently in solitary.

A word of advice: Don’t read it on your lunch or dinner break at work.


Don’s say we didn’t warn you.

Week 35

Fucking OW!!! I just “waxed” my asshole/crack with my thumb and index finger! LMAO! It took like 25 minutes and hurt like a mofo! Why did I subject myself to that? Simple, because I don’t know how men can be clean with ass hair!? On the streets, I use Veet or Nair cuz shaving gives me frickin’ ingrown hairs, ugly and painful. When you doodoo, 2 wipes then follow up with baby wipe, and clean as a whistle. Been doin’ so since I was 16. In here, fuckkk… I wipe and wipe and wipe, fucking ass hair is like a shit magnet! You ever seen a dog with shit clumped up in it’s ass hair? Yeah. Virtually impossible for a hairy assed man to wipe clean, I don’t care what you say or think, it is NOT clean! So long story short, I got sick of 22 wipes and still dooky-bootied, so I did what I did! All men need to follow my example, plus it feels BOMB to have your chick toss your salad and you’ll be surprised at a female’s willingness to do so when you have a perfectly smooth and clean ass! Just FYI, apply baby powder regularly or you’ll chafe hella bad.

Anyway, what’s up with this NFL lockout? Man, FUCK NFL, MLB, and NBA players and their whiny asses! Bunch of spoiled fucking pussies! They got it made! Even the least paid, bench warmer, lives comfortably and has health care and shit! Fucking MMA fighters and boxers put their asses on the line, FOR REAL, and don’t get shit in comparison. Only the top 1% live lavishly, the rest live fight to fight man, most don’t even have health insurance and the ones that do pay it themselves! Can’t stand spoiled people, ungreatful ones either. I remember growing up I had friends who always fought with their parents over dumb shit like curfew and keeping their rooms clean. Good fucking parents who cooked for them, bought them cars, did their laundry, loved them. There I was with drug addict mom and step dad and doing everything myself. I did my own laundry, cooked, cleaned… Shit, if I didn’t have discipline and goals I could have fucked school off and done as I pleased and never heard shit about it. I would’ve done anything to have their parents and there they were claiming to “hate” them. People don’t appreciate shit when it’s too easy, when they never have to go without.

Ohhh man! I’m in heaven today! For breakfast the trustee slid me a fat omelette: onion, bell peppers, and BACON! Fucking bomb! Then just now at lunch I got slid a fat thing of tuna with onion and jalapenos in it! Duuuude, you have no idea how good all that shit tastes after months of eating dogshit! Fuck, I hope they’re able to hook it up like that more often. Only the real “powerful” inmates really get goodies like that, I’m just lucking out cuz one of them recognized me and is a big UFC fan. Speaking of powerful inmates, ever since the AB dude left the “wood pile” has been in shambles. It really needs some leadership. Man, if this was my way of life, I could run shit easy. The Mexicans keep telling me I should boss up and take “the keys” but I don’t want any part of this shit. I’m just waiting to go home and put this stuff behind me. Yeah, some of the fools here have shanks but knives aren’t scary or effective enough, against someone like me, when you don’t have to worry about a sharp edge. You can only get hurt by a straight thrust and in the hole you don’t gotta worry about sneak attacks from behind cuz the only way to even be in contact with another inmate is if you “cell up” with them and become their celly. Then it’s a face to face battle, on on one. Alright enough of my fantasizing about becoming a prison warlord… haha! Shittt…

I read 5, 400+ page books in the past 12 days! Now I’m out of material again! Sucks, not sure what to do now. I’ve responded to all my mail, worked out, slept all that I can, jerked off til it hurt… lol… I need something to read! Man… this one O.G. Mexican dude from Oxnard just came by my cell and talked to me. He said he’s been doing this shit (jail/prison) since 1984! Said he used to look at his brother when he was growing up and think he was weak and “not about shit.” Said that now when he gets out and visits him and sees he has a house and car, family, etc. he “feels small.” Said he wasted so many years and opportunities for this bullshit gangster life, said too bad “I realized it too late.” Told me to learn from this year and don’t come back. Again, I see this repetitious theme, youngsters all fired up acting hard and proud and the “OG’s” saying it’s all bullshit and expressing deep regret. But everyone knows the young don’t listen to the old and that history repeats itself time and time again. The simple life is the way to go man, but ever since we left tribes and basic survival got too easy, and out of our thoughts, we’ve had too many distractions and lost sight of what really matters. How many bank robbers and drug dealers who are 60 and spent life in and out of prison, wish they could go back and have taken a lil’ 9-5 job instead? Lived life, enjoyed their friends, family and pets? My coach Baret Yoshida has the simple life down good. He never even drives, rarely leaves his neighborhood if it’s not to compete. He lives across from the gym in a lil’ apartment with his wife and turtle… lol. Walks to the gym to do what he loves: teach and train. Spends every day training, hanging out with his friends & students at the gym, with his wife at home. He’s content, doesn’t need or care about luxuries. He sets a perfect example for me, one I need to try and follow but I get distracted at times, trying to be a “cool guy.” If I had his discipline I’d probably be UFC Champion… if I change my life, maybe it’s not too late.

E-mail me at:

Jon Koppenhaver 10754342

Cagepotato Comments

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fatbellyfrank- April 26, 2011 at 8:00 pm
Hmmmmm, why the fixation with a sparkly clean asshole while hes in jail??? I always knew if I ever got sent away I would make my shitchute as unattractive as possible ( is there such a thing as an attractive shit chute?) and now how does he wipe his nose without throwing up at the shit stink?
I cant beleive I just read an article about a crim pickin his ass hairs out one by one, then I fucken commented on it!!!! I need to get out more
incredibleFalk- April 25, 2011 at 5:16 pm
I dno war machine... both prison and a 9-5 have their comparisons

In prison u got the 8x10 cell, at work u have a 6x8 cubicle

In prison you get three meals a day, at work you only get a break for one, and you have to pay for it.

In Prison you get your own Toilet, at work you share

In Prison you spend most of your time looking through the bars from the inside wanting to get out, at work you spend most of your time wanting to get Inside Bars.
philoebeddoe- April 25, 2011 at 7:17 am
frndlylion- April 25, 2011 at 1:41 am
Anyone know where I can get a sewing machine?
blackboxmma- April 24, 2011 at 1:55 pm
Now War machine is actually teaching us somthing, smooth asshole in jail = bacon. Good to know.
eviltwin- April 23, 2011 at 4:01 am
This article should come with a pillow. War machine just plain doesn't matter.
ghostboner- April 23, 2011 at 1:57 am
Well he just said what we were all thinking. Those pesky asshole hairs catch just about everything except the corn/peanuts.
Vera- April 23, 2011 at 1:15 am
Can someone explain 'toss your salad'?
DARKHORSE06- April 23, 2011 at 12:07 am
Is there a way we can petition to keep him in prison longer? What a fucking douche-bag.
jizzninja- April 22, 2011 at 11:01 pm
Wood pile=pecker woods.
war machine is ok in my book. yeah,he's stupid as shit and does retarded things over and over but the dude is a fun fighter to watch.
Dubya- April 22, 2011 at 9:59 pm
Hope you enjoyed that omelette and tuna, come lights out.. T-Bone is gonna be "sliding" you some sausage between those smooth buns. Nighty night.. keep your buthole tight.
GistoftheFist- April 22, 2011 at 8:19 pm
Sonofabitch, I haven't laughed that hard all week. I seriously had a laughy fit and almost peed after reading this. I don't care what people say, this guy is hilarious.
axhed- April 22, 2011 at 8:16 pm
uh, wtf is the 'wood pile' that he's talking about?
Jesus Frijoles- April 22, 2011 at 8:06 pm, he aint gettin any better in there. I'll bet pretty soon we get an installment of this series where clean taint boy winds up stabbed,hung or facing charges.
Coneblazer- April 22, 2011 at 8:05 pm
dranokills- April 22, 2011 at 6:55 pm
johns girlfriend is his celly named lupez.
I don't care how long it's been, keep that fag bastard in forever.
2Dogs- April 22, 2011 at 6:29 pm
Well wow, at least I was warned, thanks for that....
Dana_Plight- April 22, 2011 at 6:05 pm
So if I clean my ass chicks will make me salads? And toss them too? And I really love a good cobb salad. I wonder if Jon Fitch knows about this...
RwilsonR- April 22, 2011 at 5:52 pm
Out of curiosity, if anyone who has experience with this knows, after your girl tongues your well shorn asshole, do you kiss her again? Ever? I'd poor bleach down that bitches throat, and if she lives, maybe I'd consider swapping spit again.
RwilsonR- April 22, 2011 at 5:49 pm
^ No, it's that he uses the word "hella".
djp1988- April 22, 2011 at 5:44 pm
The most disgusting part of his whole blog? He still uses the adjective "BOMB".
dham4201- April 22, 2011 at 5:40 pm
what the fuck
k-onda- April 22, 2011 at 3:54 pm
See? This is why I don't party with porn stars, everything's all orifices with these guys. But if he had such a negligent mom, who taught him how to keep so clean?
El Guapo- April 22, 2011 at 3:19 pm
Yeah, what IS up with that NFL lockout?
omunto- April 22, 2011 at 3:16 pm
Wonder how much longer he has on his sentence. Feels like he's been in there awhile.