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What Your Least Favorite Fighter Says About You


(Indeed. Props: ahura)

Last night I had the misfortune of seeing about 30 seconds of the CW reality show H8R. (That’s pronounced “hater,” grandpa.) In this particular episode, Girls Gone Wild creator Joe Francis tried to convince some chick that he wasn’t in fact the greatest douchebag of our generation. His primary defense was that the girl didn’t know him personally, and was judging him based only on the “character” she knows from GGW — you know, the character he created. Awful. Just awful. And yet, I’d love to see an episode of that show starring UFC light-heavyweight champion Jon Jones.

As soon as Jones won his belt, he immediately went from a widely beloved underdog story (“he learned his striking from YouTube videos, you guys!”) to a lightning rod for message-board criticism. Exactly why some fans seem to passionately dislike Bones is a topic that we’ll discuss more in depth on tomorrow’s episode of The Bum Rush. In the meantime, I decided to revive an old CagePotato feature — “What Your Favorite Fighter Says About You” and its sequel — and twist it to reflect today’s hate-crazed MMA climate. So, for example, if your least-favorite fighter is…

JON FITCH

Let’s get one thing straight: Wrestling is not a martial art. It’s the opposite of a martial art. Wrestlers are the reason that you started taking Tae Kwon Do in the first place, when you were 12 years old. (Long story short: There were a couple of kids on the wrestling team that used to push you down and drag you around by your legs in front of everybody, and once you got your green belt in TKD they didn’t do it nearly as much.) Basically, you watch MMA for the action — more specifically the knockouts, though submissions can be cool too, sometimes. But watching a couple of dudes grab onto each other and hump on the mat for 15 minutes? That’s not fighting. That’s…you don’t know what it is, but it makes you uncomfortable. Very uncomfortable. You clear your browser history every time you finish using your laptop.

CHAEL SONNEN

The only thing you hate worse than a liar is a thief. And the only thing you hate worse than a thief is a real-estate agent. While some UFC fans find Sonnen’s trash-talk hilarious, you see him for what he really is — a slimy, racist sociopath who probably has a few prostitutes buried in his basement. And is it true that his balls are tiny and sitting up in his stomach? Just thinking about it gives you chills. You have normal-sized balls, for the record. If Rick Perry gets elected next year, you’re moving to Canada, seriously, for real this time.

TIM KENNEDY

Let’s just say that there was recently a death in your family.

RASHAD EVANS

For a long time, Chuck Liddell was your favorite fighter. Then, that cocky son-of-a-bitch Rashad Evans stole his soul. You didn’t know what to do with yourself for a while. You tried to make Fedor Emelianenko your favorite fighter, but that didn’t work out either. Rashad ruined everything. It goes without saying that you’re a Caucasian dude, not that the color of your skin has anything to do with your hatred of Rashad Evans. I mean, you’ve been around plenty of black people. One of your old co-workers was black. Kind of an awful experience, but hey, you got through it.

FEDOR EMELIANENKO

You followed Dana White on Twitter before any of your friends did, and you send him ‘@’ messages every day. One time he publicly replied to you with “ha!” when you made a joke about Josh Barnett‘s blood being radioactive. That was probably the greatest day of your life. Before that, the greatest day of your life was when you wished Arianny Celeste good luck at a photo shoot and she re-tweeted it. You got, like, 20 new followers that day. Whatever it is you do for a living, you get paid hourly. Cain Velasquez vs. Junior Dos Santos will be the greatest, most significant heavyweight fight in the history of MMA. Brock Lesnar is going to smash Alistair Overeem, and you plan on being the first person in the world to tweet “IN UR FACE!!! #strikefarce”

JON JONES

You distrust people with long arms. You read the Bible, but think the book of Philippians is way overrated. When you accidentally knocked up your girlfriend, you had the common courtesy to marry her. Everything you accomplished in life came from hard work, not from being young, or naturally gifted, or talented in any measurable way. You like Rampage because he keeps it real. You like Rashad because he has swagger. You don’t know what the hell Greg Jackson is doing down there in Albuquerque, but if the whole camp turns up dead one day from a mass Kool-Aid poisoning, it wouldn’t really surprise you. Your wife used to watch UFC with you only if Georges St. Pierre was on the card. Well, guess who her new “favorite fighter” is now? If Barack Obama gets re-elected next year, you’re moving to Australia, seriously, for real this time.

That’s about all I have energy for right now. If you’d like to see a sequel one day, shoot your suggestions in the comments section…

- Ben Goldstein

Cagepotato Comments

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entropee- October 1, 2011 at 6:50 pm
so i just skipped over most of this crap, but I must say. Mission Accomplished CP. Also, I enjoyed the article Ben.
sdgsasd- October 1, 2011 at 4:55 pm
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Giblets- October 1, 2011 at 12:57 am
@ArmFarmer cheers it is!
jax- October 1, 2011 at 12:47 am
@BG H8R's: Um, It's called P.O.V.
fatbellyfrank- September 30, 2011 at 6:07 pm
Mike Russell Says:
Fri, 09/30/11 - 12:04
mDino was here before the site even existed…
“CagePotato.com was launched by former magazine editor Ben Goldstein and Break Media Editorial Director Jonathan Small in October 2007.”
...............................................................
bwahahahahahahahahaha, see ya MDino, "I've been here eight years" bwahahahahahaha, fucken owned by MRuss, hey MDino, just follow my good friend Drano's advice to the fucken letter fucktard, 8 years, hahahahahahahahahahaha
jaijaikkddf- September 30, 2011 at 4:49 pm
Top sex films, Sex tool for sell that you will like them ,welcome to http://url7.me/5ph4
rlh61- September 30, 2011 at 3:02 pm
That last picture reminded me of how much I miss Edith...
RwilsonR- September 30, 2011 at 2:16 pm
@ agentsmith - Polar gooks
RwilsonR- September 30, 2011 at 2:09 pm
@ Karma - yeah...like cockroaches. Fucking ice beaners!
Mike Russell- September 30, 2011 at 12:04 pm
mDino was here before the site even existed...

"CagePotato.com was launched by former magazine editor Ben Goldstein and Break Media Editorial Director Jonathan Small in October 2007."

And @agentsmit...who you callin' a sucker?
ArmFarmer- September 30, 2011 at 11:28 am
I guess I have to take some blame for being a crybaby too, as I got even more offended just by the fact that they were offended lol. But hey, it's me we're talking about. If I'm not bitching and complaining about something then somethin ain't right!
Oh that reminds me, get rid of this fuckin captcha you assholes!
intercept440- September 30, 2011 at 10:38 am
@ArmFarmer i didnt count em, but there was 3 i believe who seemed genuinely offended by an obvious comedic article.
.
Mdino, theUnrealist ,Bongtar(possibly its hard to gauge the bongmeister sometimes) ,miscreant (didnt like ben calling wrestling a non-martial art)though i dont think he was actually offended so we can leave him off the list.
.
the enusing hilarity of it all made the day worth while.
.
it's amazing how much a wee bit-o un-pc humor tends to enraged people.
.
nothing is more engaging than watching people cry about something so small.
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if it was actually HATRED that the article was spewing then maybe they would have a valid point.
.
ArmFarmer- September 30, 2011 at 10:22 am
@giblets
Cheers! (that's what you guys say right? lol)

Props to all of you who weren't offended by this article, not going to go back and collect names, you know who you are.
ArmFarmer- September 30, 2011 at 10:14 am
Man it must be hard being too stupid to understand the difference between racial comedy and actual hatred based racism. Just because you make a joke about a stereotype does not mean that you completely buy into that stereotype or hate a group of people based on that stereotype. I love black jokes, I don't hate black people. I love racist white jokes, I'm white and they don't offend me. Me and my asian friend make racist remarks to each other all the time, we don't hate each other. I know these are hard concepts for some of you to grasp...
dranokills- September 30, 2011 at 10:07 am
bye bye Mdino don't let the door hit....on second thought, yeah fuck you, LET the door hit you in the ass, the head, and balls IF you have em you fucking cunt. You say you have been here for 8 years? funny I never even saw your name on here till this week. If someone who doesn't even post as much as Armfarmer offends you, man your pussy will get sand kicked in it daily. you should leave. I'm sure one of those pussy sites where no one is allowed to have a real thought in their fucking head will be glad to have your uptight ass.
I guess where your from people "get smashed" well we just call that getting drunk......I know your candy ass, cock smelling 3 BAG-O-DICKS EATING face is NOT threatening anyone on here. You couldn't beat your meat with a club!
So if you leaving bon voyageeee ( as Bugs bunny would say).....you goofy fuckstick.
agentsmith- September 30, 2011 at 10:04 am
@Burrito:
I like to refer to Eskimos as "snow-Mexicans".
ArmFarmer- September 30, 2011 at 10:02 am
Oh mdino.. where do I begin. You obviously still haven't figured out the difference between you're and your.. so I'll start there. When you say "your ignorant", you are implying that I own something called "ignorant". I already went over this, but you obviously didn't pick up on it the first time. Obviously, YOU'RE the ignorant one. Now that that's out of the way, lets move on.
You go on in the same post to claim that you aren't wasting your time with this.. then immediately post two more times.. so I'm obviously already under your skin (see how I used your). Now I see that your last post says that you are leaving this site after 8 years that you claim were "wholesome", which in my opinion calls your credibility into question. CP wholesome? I wouldn't be here if it were.
What's next.. ok so beyond this site I'm nothing? That would imply that I'm anything on this site, which I'm not.. unless annoying counts. I'm pretty annoying on here. I wouldn't say that I'm terribly popular or well liked on this site, so I don't really know where you are going with that. As for a life outside of this site I actually just accepted a job offer and will be leaving my current major corporation in the dc area to go to another major corporation in San Antonio, where I'll easily be able to buy a relatively new/large house within a year. So, I'm doing pretty well outside of the comments section of cagepotato. I don't really think there's much need to go on, you do a pretty good job of owning yourself, but I will end with this: Great job condemning racism and bigotry, only to turn around and call me a faggot in your last post as you scamper away with your tail between your legs... you fucking ignorant hypocrite.
agentsmith- September 30, 2011 at 10:02 am
"Whatever it is you do for a living, you get paid hourly."
.
Salary is for suckers.
El Famous Burrito- September 30, 2011 at 9:59 am
Man....mDino just walked out on us, guys. I think I'm going to find an Eskimo and give him a hug.
mDino- September 30, 2011 at 9:33 am
actually. most of the ppl who comment on this site are complete faggots in my opinion, and its ruining this site. so after 8 wholesome years, im out. Good job CP keeping such an intelligent audience. and to the few cool people on here, farewell.
mDino- September 30, 2011 at 9:30 am
Beyond this site, your nothing armfarmer. just remember that next time you feel like acting tough. your a prime example of a geek with too much time on his hands. get a life away from the CP comments section you douche
El Famous Burrito- September 30, 2011 at 9:30 am
@Karma

Fuck them. I went into an Anchorage 7-11 to get me a Keystone Light tall boy, and when I came out, my dog sled was on ice block. God damn seal-clubbers stole my rails! I'll never trust those squinty brown penguin-fuckers.
mDino- September 30, 2011 at 9:26 am
@armfarmer yes your a chump. i do have a sense of humor but this isn't family guy. Just because your ignorant doesn't mean I am. If any of you guys talked like this in public, where im from, youd all get smashed. so say what u will, and make fun of other people to make you feel good about yourself. its no sweat off my back. Now stfu im not wasting my time with losers like you.
thenutman69321- September 30, 2011 at 9:13 am
Lol @ the people taking this story seriously. I know sarcasm doesn't come through in typing very well but this whole article is a joke and it should be pretty obvious that it is.
KarmaAteMyCat- September 30, 2011 at 8:32 am
@RWR,@Burrito;
But they survive tough situations so well...
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