Steroids in MMA
Which MMA Fighter Will Test Positive For Steroids Next?

What’s the Worst That Could Happen? Anti-Jinxing UFC 200

By Asaph Bitner 

One of the best on-paper and most hyped MMA cards in memory is fast approaching, and anticipation is building to a fever pitch. And as everyone raises their hopes for what they wish will be a transcendent celebration of civilized violence at UFC 200 this weekend, we pessimists of this lovely sport start to ready our cringe faces.

But what if we could prepare ourselves for the worst? Soften the 4-ounce-gloved blow to our souls that the MMA gods are sure to deliver in their infinite, cruel, brawlability?

Well, here’s your pre-gut-punch padding, dear readers: a fight-by-fight breakdown of all the ways in which the gourmet chicken salad that is UFC 200 could turn into a total chicken s**t-show.

Jim Miller vs. Takanori Gomi

This is supposed to be an exciting match-up between two solidly entertaining fighters, but is also a fight between two fighters who have lost a little too often lately. These two will blast each other for a round, and then both be forced by the doctor to quit, as they’ll both be injured. Double no-contest.

Diego Sanchez vs Joe Lauzon

Ready for three rounds of non-stop action from two of the most thrilling fighters in any UFC division? Well, too bad. A Sanchez leg kick, the first strike he throws, is going to pop Lauzon’s knee and take him out at just 10 seconds of round 1.

Gegard Mousasi vs Derek Brunson

Well, as of this writing, it seems this fight is already cursed, since Brunson has been forced out due to injury. And so…

Gegard Mousasi vs. Thiago Santos

Two interesting strikers? Here comes wrestling time! Santos and Mousasi will spend 15 minutes alternately pinning each other to the cage and circling around each other, looking for an opening that never comes. By the end of it all, the entire viewing audience will have the same dead-eyed expression on their faces that Mousasi’s mug features all year long.

Sage Northcutt vs. Enrique Martin

Ok, come on now. I know the MMA gods are cruel, but Northcutt clearly still has an excess of luck dust sprinkled all over his statuesque physique. Having already suffered his one allowable misfortune this year against Bryan Barberena in January, Northcutt’s Vegas weekend is going to be just fine. The three worst things that could happen to him are:

1. He drops his post-weigh-in popsicle, and his dad won’t buy him another.

2. He realizes, with some bit of concern, that people compliment him so much on the ridiculous definition of his abs that they completely miss his perfect teeth.

3. After he easily beats Martin, he only manages to land a triple-corkscrew backflip, as opposed to the quadruple-corkscrew he’s been practicing for just this occasion.

T. J. Dillashaw vs. Raphael Assuncao

Well, this is going to be a bit unfair to Assuncao, who hasn’t fought since late 2014, and who doesn’t seem like a bad dude, but the division has become pretty darn interesting while he was gone, and Dillashaw is one of the reasons why. His newly-revealed striking skills have brought him to the top and made him one of the most fun bantamweights to watch in the cage. By all means, a decisive Dillashaw win will surely put him right back in the running to challenge champ Dominick Cruz, who took his title in a razor-close fight. So the bad outcome of this one is a boring, plodding, but sadly non-controversial decision in Assuncao’s favor, derailing our hopes of seeing a rematch of the UFC Fight Night 81 main event anytime soon.

Johny Hendricks vs. Kelvin Gastelum

First of all, you’re having this fight at welterweight? Yeah, let’s start there: even if this fight doesn’t get cancelled because one of these fighters requires hospitalization due to their bodies being drier than the Nevada desert outside, both of these guys will miss the mark.

In the cage, both men will get tired quickly, as they have both had terrible camps and are nursing injuries. After a slow, boring fight, one of them will win a coin-flip-close split decision.

Cat Zingano vs. Juliana Peña

The last fight of the prelims will feature two of the best women’s bantamweights out there, and it will be ugly. Zingano is known for her ability to survive early and for being very beloved by just about everyone who’s been exposed to her charms. Peña is known for ferociousness on the ground, where she drags opponents and punishes them until the fight is stopped. Combine these two, and you get a sad sight: the MMA world will be forced to watch one of its favorite people get brutalized and bloodied on the ground for nearly three full round, before submitting to a Peña arm-triangle choke.

Cain Velasquez vs. Travis Browne

Come on, you guys already know this one: Travis Browne is totally going to poke Velasquez’s eye early in the fight, not get punished for it, and either force a no-contest when the former champ can’t continue, or later win by doctor-stoppage TKO when Velasquez’s eye swells up.

Jose Aldo vs. Frankie Edgar

This fake – sorry, ‘interim’ – title fight will likely determine who fights Max Holloway for the real title once Conor McGregor finally decides he’d rather risk a beating from bigger guys than dehydrate himself to the point of tattoo-wrinkling ever again. And naturally, since the stakes are so high, this fight will be a cautious affair in which both fighters will mostly try and avoid getting hit, making it the modern-era’s Ken Shamrock vs. Dan Severn 2.

Miesha Tate vs. Amanda Nunes

Again, I feel bad for saying it, but the obvious lame outcome here would have to be a win by Amanda Nunes. First, we thought that Ronda Rousey may headline UFC 200 against Cristiane “Cyborg” Justino after she quickly and easily beats Holly Holm, but that didn’t work out so well. Then, we figured Holm would dominate Tate in their fight, clearing the path for an epic rematch with Rousey in some big PPV, but that didn’t go as planned either. And now that we’re already picturing the fun we could have with Rousey vs. Tate 3 in Madison Square Garden, what more appropriate outcome could there be than Nunes spoiling things by beating Tate and squeezing the last bit of air out of this Rousey-comeback-hype whoopee cushion?

Brock Lesnar vs. Mark Hunt

People are generally psyched about Lesnar coming back simply because he’s a huge star, but what if he actually made a giant, unfathomable leap in ability while he was away?

Imagine this: Brock Lesnar and Mark Hunt exchange in the pocket for a bit, but then Lesnar starts to turn it on, lowering his hands and effortlessly avoiding Hunt’s shots in the manner of a prime Anderson Silva. He starts countering Hunt, and after two or three punches, knocks the Super Samoan down. Lesnar then jumps on Hunt, quickly passing his guard into side control, then mount, then taking his back, making it look as smooth as the likes of Jacare Souza and Demian Maia would. He puts on the rear-naked choke, and Hunt taps. Lesnar then does a step-off-the-cage backflip to top it all off. He’s an unbelievable-looking fighter now, transformed and ready to re-conquer the division, and he hasn’t lost any of his athleticism either.

In his post-fight interview, Lesnar once again alludes to the fact that he may get laid tonight, and puts on a Nike shirt because “Reebok won’t pay him nothing.”

Brock is back, and he’s bigger, better, and more fun than ever before!…

…..And then he returns to the WWE, and never fights in MMA again.

Daniel Cormier vs. Jon Jones

This main event is a rematch of one of the most meaningful on-paper fights in MMA history. Daniel Cormier and Jon Jones are perhaps the best two light-heavyweight MMA fighters to ever walk the planet, and they’ll be fighting again on July 9th. That is, if DC doesn’t fall to injury once more, through the magic of the most fight-cancelling camp in the game, and if Jones can manage to spend more than a week without physically peeing on a cop’s leg while high on meth after a rave in downtown Santa Fe.

The actual fight will start ok, but will of course soon go bad. Cormier will try a double-leg on Jones against the cage about two minutes into the first round. Jones, while shrugging off the takedown, will start launching a bunch of elbows to the back of Cormier’s head. Jones will be warned for the foul, but will keep doing it. When referee “Big” John McCarthy steps in to separate the two, Jones will launch a kick straight to the still slightly-disoriented DC’s groin, causing him to bend in pain, and spit on him as well. The ref will have no choice but to stop the fight, disqualifying Jones for unsportsmanlike conduct.

In the post-fight interview, Cormier will be met by boos from the crowd, and say that “Jon Jones disqualified himself.” Just to put a cherry on top of this hot fudge suckdae, Cormier will later test positive for PEDs in his fight-night blood and urine samples and be stripped of the title.

Update: Well, it looks like I was only mostly wrong about this one, as Jones was the one to fail a drug test – before the fight even happened. Now he’s out of the fight, and we have the disappointment of Lesnar abandoning us to look forward to as our new main event.

Miscellaneous additional problems

– The show will get delayed for about half an hour, because Jim Miller has to pee before his fight, and then he has to wash his hands because “What, would you want some guy rubbing his junk in you face? That’s just impolite.” So they have to cut off his wraps, and then re-wrap his hands.

– The UFC has had several wardrobe malfunctions so far, the latest was suffered by Valerie Letourneau during her fight against Joanne Calderwood. This event features two women’s fights, and one of the four women in them will experience the worst one yet, as her sports bra straight-up tears apart. Her chest will be exposed for several seconds, the fight will be stopped, and everyone will have to scramble to get her a replacement. The fighter will then have to put on the new sports bra while her cornermen do the best they can to cover her up with towels.

– When a journalist asks Dana White whether women in the UFC should perhaps simply be made to wear rash guards, thus preventing this problem, White will say no and rebuke the journalist as a “goof.”

– At least once, the sound system will malfunction during a fighter walkout, causing a high-pitched feedback sound that reverberates through the arena.

– A ring girl (sorry, Octagon girl™) will fall down during one of her walks. She’ll be fine, don’t worry. But she will suffer a scrape on her knee, and the other seven Octagon bikini ladies will have to cover for her for the rest of the night.

– Let’s not forget natural disasters: Vegas is surrounded by a desert, you say? And it’s summer? The MMA god’s may just think it’s time for a hurricane-snow storm combo, with a little bit of earthquake sprinkled in for good measure.

– At least one fighter will be poked in the eye during their walkout by someone trying to grab at them and/or steal their hat. Who the hell wants a Reebok UFC hat anyway? Well, the kind of person who’d steal a hat of a fighter’s head during a walkout, I suppose.

Be prepared, MMA fans. And try to take solace in this one important lesson we’ve learned from following the careers of BJ Penn, Ken Shamrock, and Jason ‘Mayhem’ Miller: things can always get worse.

Cagepotato Comments

Showing 1-25 of comments

comments
Sort by : Show hidden comments
CagePotatoMMA