Steroids in MMA
Which MMA Fighter Will Test Positive For Steroids Next?

Which MMA Fighter Will Test Positive For Steroids Next? A Completely Speculative Investigation

The Champions

TJ Dillashaw

A little over a year ago, TJ Dillashaw was a middle-of-the-pack (but promising) bantamweight contender who held victories over Mike Easton and no one else of note. Now, he’s the man who dethroned Renan Barao to claim pound-for-pound GOAT status according to the completely unbiased Dana White. A classic tale of hard work paying off, or an Armstrong-ian controversy in the making? We can’t say for sure, but it’s definitely the latter.

Jose Aldo

Look, we don’t like saying this anymore than you like hearing it, but if Anderson Silva is fair game, then so is everyone else. Jose Aldo is Brazilian, has trained at Black House, and is undefeated since 2005. That’s three strikes as far as we’re concerned. Plus, Aldo clawed his way out of extreme poverty to become the moderately paid champion he is today, which means that he’d be willing to do anything to make sure that he is never put in the same position again. In this case, anything = drostanolone or something like it.

Rousimar Palhares

This is perhaps the most obvious case of them all. WSOF welterweight champion Rousimar Palhares has tested positive for elevated testosterone in the past — following his first round KO loss to fellow juicer Hector Lombard at the TUF Smashes Finale. He’s also prone to bouts of uncontrollable rage (see above, and also every submission victory he attained while in the UFC/WSOF) and has a physique best described as “burly.” It’s only a matter of time before he is stripped of his WSOF belt amidst a PED controversy and immediately signed by Bellator.

The Unassuming Juicers

Thales Leites 

Again, the key here is in Leites’ resurgence, and more specifically, the method by which he has rose back to prominence. It was widely understood that Leites was suffering from the early stages of MS when he fought Anderson Silva, hence his body’s complete muscular shutdown each and every time he hit the canvas. Since returning to the UFC, however, Leites has looked less like Tiny Tim and more like Chuck Liddell circa 2005, knocking out two of the three challengers he has faced. What is one of the primary treatments for combatting MS? That’s right, steroids.

Donald Cerrone

Isn’t it obvious? Cerrone has fought approximately 32 times in the past year and hasn’t lost even the slightest pep in his step from doing so. He can try and sell us on the Cowboy act all he wants, but we all really know what’s really going on. There’s a little something extra in those Budweisers he’s constantly slinging back, otherwise he would not be drinking such schwill in the first place.

Royston Wee

When Royston Wee was signed by the UFC last year, we wrote a lengthy and completely rational diatribe about the death of “UFC-caliber” fighters. Royston had not competed in nearly three years and held only 2 professional victories over sub-subpar competition before that, we pointed out, and was quite possibly the least experienced fighter to ever be signed by the UFC prior to CM Punk. Yet here he is a year later, having picked up back-to-back wins and looking like a goddamn beast while doing so. Were we wrong in our dismissal of Wee, and perhaps even a little bitter?

No. Royston Wee is a juicer — a 135-pound, genetically-modified freak who was brought in to the UFC to expand the promotion’s reach in Southeast Asian markets. Any other attempt to explain his success is pure lunacy.

So there you have it, the grim and 100% accurate future of steroids in our once respectable sport. Then again, the UFC is planning to hold a press conference regarding the future of drug testing on February 18th, so everything’s probably been solved already.

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